How long does it take to get over an ex?

If you've ever watched Sex and the City, you might be familiar with the (now oft-repeated) aphorism that it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over the break up. Together for six months? Give it three, and you'll be able to move on.

Luckily for those who have seen very long-term relationships end, the rule is unlikely to be true. But how long does it really take for our attachments to ex-partners to fade? This is the subject of new research by Jia Y. Chong and R. Chris Fraley. They find that the majority of people do get over their exes, given enough time — but that a number of factors influence the timeline and the extent to which emotional ties persist.

Participants in this study were 328 adults who had been in at least one significant relationship for more than two years, were no longer in that relationship, and whose partner had not passed away. On average, participants had been with their ex for nearly five years, and had been apart for roughly the same amount of time.

To measure attachment, participants completed a questionnaire assessing how much they still turned to their ex for support across three domains: physical or emotional proximity, the ability to turn to their ex for comfort, and a sense of security. Additionally, they filled in questionnaires measuring their general attachment style, as well as reported who had initiated the break-up, their level of contact with their ex, and whether they still desired a connection.

Over time, participants' emotional bonds with ex-partners had faded gradually, to the point where they became as emotionally distant as strangers. On average, they felt they were about halfway to fully letting go of their previous relationships by around four years post-breakup.

But this timeline wasn't universal. Those with a more avoidant attachment style — people who, in general, prefer to keep emotional distance — detached quicker compared to those with an anxious attachment style, who showed far more lingering attachments. Anxious participants were also particularly prone to seek comfort from their exes, prolonging attachment.

Around 58% of participants reported moving on to a new relationship since their last significant break up, but analyses revealed that this didn't help them get over their ex faster. Having children with their ex, however, did speed up detachment. While those who had kids with their ex did have stronger attachments initially, these faded even quicker than those without children, perhaps because of the strains of co-parenting.

The thing that made the most consistent difference to fading attachment, however, was ongoing contact: people who regularly interacted with their ex, whether online or in person, were far less likely to fully sever emotional ties.  

While the researchers suggest that lingering attachment can lead to "maladjustment," this may overlook the potential positives of staying connected. Remaining attached to an ex-partner may not be all bad, nor a case of not having "gotten over" the relationship. Some exes remain close friends or co-parents, with emotional ties evolving rather than souring or disappearing completely.

Future research could look at how such bonds can change over time and their emotional consequences, both good and bad. While some exes are best left in the past, others may continue to bring joy and security — and don't have to become just somebody we used to know.

Read the paper in full:
Chong, J. Y., & Fraley, R. C. (2025). The Long-Term Stability of Affective Bonds After Romantic Separation: Do Attachments Simply Fade Away? Social Psychological and Personality Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506251323624

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