‘You just don’t have the academic prowess’

I'll never forget the day I collected my GCSE grades. I had worked hard and studied for months. I knew I wanted to do A-level psychology. The other two options I had selected were BTEC subjects, new at the time; I thought that coursework-based subjects would give me the flexibility to focus on psychology. I picked up the brown envelope, and noticed a Post-it note with 'See me' scrawled on it. 

My heart sank. Other students had said this was not a good sign – it usually meant you were not getting your chosen subjects or, worse, you were being refused a place in sixth form altogether. 

The one to deliver the news was the Head of Sixth Form. He wasn't an approachable figure. He was a stickler for rules and clearly had his favourites – usually those who excelled in their chosen subject, something I did not do. I had been described by my teachers all through school as a 'coaster'. I did the bare minimum. I hated school, the rigidity, the teachers, and I simply could not wait to get home each day. But this had been different. I needed a B in English to study Psychology A-level. I had gone to all the revision classes, worked myself up into top set classes, allowing me to take a double award in English (language and literature). And now I had got a B in English literature, but a C in English Language. 

I was shaking as I knocked the door. I sat down as the Head of Sixth looked up my results. I'll never forget the words he used: 'You just don't have the academic prowess'.

I tried to argue and even went to the deputy head, determined to stay on my chosen path. I was fobbed off with a trial of the subject for six months, offered no additional support to make the transition. So, I stayed for the first year of sixth form, but my heart wasn't in it. At the end of that first year, I left in favour of an apprenticeship in business administration. I could work, study and earn some money. 

But that was not to be the end of my journey in Psychology…

A time of change 

My second chance came in July 2020 during the Covid-19 lockdown. Where I worked, we supplied commercial vehicles to essential workers: we were still open, but only went into the office when necessary. I had been there six years, I was 23 years of age, managing four members of staff. I opened the building, locked up and oversaw the day-to-day running of the business. I was good at my job and I thought this was my career for life.

But then, summoned to the small office that I had repainted less than a year ago, we were told that with the effects of Brexit and Covid the purchasing and selling of vehicles was becoming too difficult. I was to be made redundant. I was close to the directors, seeing them as second parents, and I could see how difficult this was for them. I went home, told my family and rang my partner of 18 months to tell him the news. 

Growing up, I had watched my dad, bullied from one dealership to the next by power (and commission) hungry salesmen and dealer managers. I knew it was a harsh industry, and rather than battle on I decided I needed to move. Then my partner and my parents both said, in conversations not so far apart, 'Why don't you go to university? You've always wanted to do psychology – now is a great time.'

The Head of Sixth Form's words still stung though. 'Nah, I'm too thick, industry is the only place for me,' I said on repeat for a month, before my partner – a university student at the time – said 'What's the worst that can happen? You hate it, you leave, you go back to industry'. I saw that I wasn't trapped, and no one was making me go like school. I entered through clearing at the University of Wolverhampton. My only regret? I should have done it sooner.

My evolution in evolutionary psychology

My first couple of years flew by, firstly on a foundation course as I had no A-levels. I had gained fantastic grades; 95  per cent for my first Level 3 assignment. I could not believe how well I was doing. Imposter syndrome quickly developed – I was convinced that it would all come crashing down at any minute. 

However, the Student Transitions Teacher and my Academic Coach were amazing at giving me strategies to overcome this. Things like printing a transcript of my grades and putting it somewhere I would see it, forcing me to focus on the positive stage I was in, moving forward from the harsh words of a man that simply did not know me. 

All seminars and lecturers were behind a screen: I was used to running around site all day, so being static was a large adjustment. Again, our lecturers were amazing at facilitating social sessions that allowed us 'Lovely Level 3's' to bond.

In 2021, studying level 4 and back on campus, I came into contact with evolutionary psychology. The amazing Dr Manpal Singh Bhogal was giving a lecture on mate choice and attraction, broadly covering most things from altruism to behaviour changes over the menstrual cycle. These lectures were designed to expose us to areas outside the core mandate of the British Psychological Society's Accredited course, to show what a wide and varied field psychology was. 

I've been out as gay since I was 18, supported by my friends and family the whole time; I met my partner in February 2019. I was confident in myself enough to put my hand up in this lecture and say, 'how come same-sex couples aren't ever mentioned in this kind of research?' Manpal said with his dry wit 'well, there's a big gap in the literature… it would make for a good dissertation project at level 6.' 

The academic staff at Wolverhampton reinforced the idea that 'research is me-search' meaning – do something that you are interested in, that means something to you. This was it. I have a strong sense of justice and hate to see groups ignored or mistreated, so I knew that I wanted to study same-sex attraction through an evolutionary lens. That burning passion I'd had when studying for my GCSEs to do A-Level Psychology, I had it back! 

I was fortunate to have Manpal as my supervisor during my undergraduate dissertation, and we came up with so many ideas for projects that could be done. One day we were discussing the number of projects that could be completed in this novel area, and whilst looking for a particular scale, Manpal said 'there's enough here for a PhD'. Another moment of realisation. II went home and researched what it would take to get onto a PhD program. The voice – '…academic prowess…' – was still there, but smaller now. In February 2024, I applied for my postgraduate research degree with the University of Wolverhampton and by surprise I got a speedy conditional offer – get a 2:1 classification or above… 

I graduated in September this year with 1st in BSc Psychology, and I could not be more proud. I had been supported the whole time by incredible lecturers and my personal tutor, through stays in hospitals, diagnosis of a chronic long-term condition and the loss of my grandmother. They saw me at my best and supported me at my worst. School had never felt this way. I could enjoy learning again. 

Do it anyway

My level 6 study, 'The Effect of Sexual Orientation on Preferences for Altruism in Human Mate Choice', was published in the Evolutionary Psychological Science in November 2024, only a month after starting my PhD. Again, I'm supported by Manpal as well as Dr Daniel Farrelly and Dr Nail Galbraith. I can't wait to work with them over the coming years. Life has never looked better. 

My advice, then, is 'do it anyway'. Surround yourself with those who want the best for you and stick with it, if you want it enough, you'll make it work. We're our own harshest critic sometimes and it is so easy to listen to the naysayers who will put you in a box. Turns out I wasn't a coaster; I just hadn't been given the confidence to believe I could do it, and that became a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I always say my PhD thesis is my 'Pink Pony Club', in reference to the Chappell Roan song, describing leaving her small Tennessee town to pursue her career and be herself. Every journey is different, and academia is no exception. Sometimes you have to go away to come back and try again. That's OK: the right pace is your pace.