‘You don’t look gay?’

At a party, dressed in a 50s-style polka dot dress with my curly hair cascading down and bold red lips, I mention casually, 'my wife and I'. Someone exclaims, 'Oh wow, you don't look gay!' Standing there, I couldn't help but think that I can't be the only gay individual to have faced this reaction – people often have notions about how someone should look based on their sexual orientation. Certainly in the past when my appearance was more masculine [see below], I never encountered such a reaction; and yet my current appearance seems to challenge stereotypes. 

The surprise of others highlighted how ingrained and rigid stereotypes can be, influencing how people perceive and categorise others based on their appearance. This experience shaped both my undergraduate research and my PhD, which I am set to complete this year. Join me as I delve deeper into gender, sexuality, and social psychology…

Beliefs around gender inversion

As psychologists know, stereotypes are fixed, oversimplified, and biased views of groups of people. They mean it can be difficult to see individuals in such groups as distinct and unique. Gender stereotypes reflect the emphasis society places on task performance for men and on social relationships for women. They're considered more stable than stereotypes based on age or class, enduring over time due to socially consistent roles and traits associated with men and women (Charlesworth & Banaji, 2021). 

When it comes to gay men and lesbian women, we see 'gender inverted stereotypes', which seem to reverse traditional gender roles (Kite & Deaux, 1987). Put simply gay men are frequently viewed as resembling heterosexual women, whereas lesbian women are seen as more akin to heterosexual men. This phenomenon is referred to as Implicit Inversion Theory (Kite & Deaux, 1987).

It's through the lens of gender inversion that I view my experience at the party: I did not exhibit stereotypical masculine traits associated with lesbians, which led to the assumption that I was heterosexual. These stereotypes are reinforced by cultural and media portrayals that emphasise these contrasts. Early social psychology research also contributed by linking femininity in men and masculinity in women to sexuality, enabling these gender inverted stereotypes. Early psychoanalytic theories, like inversion theory (Freud, 1953), suggested gay and lesbian individuals exhibited characteristics of the opposite sex due to over-identification with their opposite-sex parent, further engraining these stereotypes despite their debunking (Kite & Deaux, 1987). 

Recent evidence (PEW, 2020) indicates society has become more accepting of same-sex relationships, marriage, and gay rights than ever before. Despite increased tolerance, societal beliefs about opposite gender norms persist (Mize & Manago, 2018). Societal expectations, cultural representations, and historical theories played significant roles in the persistence of stereotypes.

Why do these stereotypes linger?

Perceptions of a person's sexual orientation influence how they are viewed and treated by others. While understanding someone's sexual orientation can assist in mate selection and strengthen group cohesion, it also impacts decisions related to hiring (Hancock et al., 2020). Sexual orientation can be inferred from indirect cues like physical appearance, body language, emotions, and vocal characteristics. Gaydar, the 'ability' to detect verbal and non-verbal behavioural cues associated with gay men and lesbian women, means people can accurately identify gay men and lesbian women at levels above chance, but this is also influenced by cultural stereotypes linked to heteronormative concepts of masculinity and femininity (Rule, 2017). However, some argue that gaydar is simply the application of stereotypes.

Stereotypes also shape how we see ourselves, and the process of self-stereotyping can steer people to align with these stereotypes, leading them to internalise stereotypical traits as part of their gender identity, a crucial aspect of self-concept. As inherently social, humans are motivated by belonging to groups, fulfilling needs for safety, survival, and reproduction. How much an individual emotionally connects with groups they belong to is social identification, which influences perceptions, emotions, and behaviours. Individuals strongly identifying with their group often define themselves by such group membership, feel a bond with the group, show commitment, and act in its best interests. Social identification carries psychological significance and social implications; therefore, gender inverted stereotypes may be employed by gay men and lesbian women to connect with one another, find safe spaces, and seek potential romantic partners and generally thrive. Although it is not always intentional, people might subconsciously adopt gender inverted stereotypes because they align with cultural norms. Over time, these behaviours become ingrained, serving as a means of identification and a way to navigate social spaces.

Gay men and lesbian women may also exhibit stereotypical behaviours to navigate a heteronormative environment. It has been suggested that the lesbian community has established norms for physical appearance that serve two primary purposes: to provide subtle cues for communicating sexuality (and sexual preferences), and to create a group identity distinct from the dominant culture, allowing lesbians to recognise one another (Rothblum, 1994). This practice is also observed in gay male communities, where appearance is used to signal gay sexualities, distinguishing them both from heterosexual society and within the gay community itself (Schofield & Schmidt, 2005).

The pressure to conform

When I first came out as a lesbian, I believed I had to present myself in masculine ways – cutting my hair short, wearing men's clothes, and adopting a more masculine demeanour. How else would people know I was a lesbian? However, perspective can change over time and the longer I have identified as LGBTQ+, the more comfortable I have become gradually moving away from stereotypes. While I hold onto some aspects, I have discovered my true identity, which does not have to align with the masculine lesbian stereotype. After conversations in my PhD, many others have shared that they also no longer feel the need to conform, and feel comfortable expressing themselves as they wish.

Our discussions have also revealed a significant element of resistance, fuelled by concerns that conforming to stereotypes might unintentionally expose people's sexualities in ways they would prefer to avoid. These conversations highlight that gay and lesbian individuals may resist adopting gender inverted stereotypes in school, work, or job interviews to avoid potential unfair judgment and to create a sense of safety by blending in. Society often views LGBTQ+ identities as different or even deviant, leading individuals to resist stereotypes to protect their well-being. Such resistance may also be fuelled by a fear of making others uncomfortable, which may be tied to feelings of shame (Fraïssé & Barrientos, 2016).

Additionally, there could be a fear of conforming to gender inverted stereotypes in specific situations. Media coverage of hate crime attacks against LGBTQ+ individuals can instil fear, prompting gay and lesbian individuals to resist stereotypes to avoid harm and increase self-preservation. Stereotypes can fuel animosity towards entire social groups, and as they become embedded – often from an early age – they typically highlight which groups are considered minorities. The ongoing choice to either conform to or resist these stereotypes reflects a broader struggle with deeply ingrained societal norms and the fear of negative consequences associated with them.

Challenging stereotypes: More inclusion

The path toward LGBTQ+ acceptance has been marked by significant historical and social changes, moving from eras of severe condemnation and discrimination to a gradual general increase in acceptance and legal recognition.

Since the late 1960s, Western societies, have made notable progress in attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals, and despite many challenges, the visibility of pride movements and legal milestones like marriage equality have strengthened the LGBTQ+ community. Generational differences may also play a vital role in shaping attitudes, with younger generations showing greater acceptance and openness toward LGBTQ+ individuals (Greenwood, 2020).

But despite these advances in LGBTQ+ acceptance and legal rights, deeply ingrained stereotypes about gender and sexuality persist – not only dictating how people are seen but also influencing self-perception, often steering individuals towards conforming to certain expectations. This ongoing struggle reflects the broader challenge of dismantling fixed gender norms, embracing a more nuanced understanding of identity, and promoting a more inclusive environment where individuals are free to be themselves without fear or harm. 

Addressing rigid stereotypes may require a broad approach. Education should include comprehensive LGBTQ+ topics in school curricula, and workplaces should provide diversity training. The media must portray LGBTQ+ individuals authentically and diversify positive role models. Community engagement involves supporting LGBTQ+ organisations and fostering open dialogue. Progress is underway, but more work is required, and we can begin by making personal efforts, engaging in self-reflection to address and confront our own biases.

As for me, I shall keep being true to myself, wearing what I like, and appreciating that I do not have to 'look' a certain way to embrace who I am.

• Laura Gee is a British Psychological Society member, a PhD student at Birmingham City University, and Psychology Lecturer at Arden University.