‘Too much focus on trying to understand the narcissist is very much part of the problem’

When did your understanding around narcissistic abuse begin to change?

When I first qualified as a Counselling Psychologist I noticed I would meet people coming to therapy with concerns like self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or reporting issues with alcohol or food as maladaptive coping strategies. When we would explore all that was going on in their lives, including their social support and relationships, it would become apparent to me that rather than having a supportive partner or family, they may in fact describe somebody who was clearly contributing to their issues – either explicitly or implicitly in their actions or the things they might say.

I'm always keen to understand the kinds of relationships and family backgrounds my clients are experiencing, to consider the role that played in their mental health – positive or not. I'd hear clients talk about not feeling 'good enough'; or reporting that within their relationships 'whatever I do is not enough for them'.

Some of what was described certainly sounded to me like an element of narcissism, and so I started to learn more about that and the nuances of narcissistic abuse. 

At that time, was narcissistic abuse much talked about?

No … 10+ years ago it really wasn't something quite so out there in the public domain. That's really changed, there is a lot more information and awareness now.

On the one hand, that's positive – more people are informed and there is raised awareness of this particular form of psychological and emotional abuse. It's much more likely now people seek therapy already having heard of narcissistic abuse, and perhaps already suspecting they may be going through this. However, the downside is that with this increased information, there has also been a huge surge in self-proclaimed 'experts' across social media, many of whom are offering supportive services – unqualified or inexperienced, apart from perhaps their personal experience. This is a big concern to me. You see a lot of misinformation and frankly hysteria to be found online and on social media about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. We run the risk of the clinical meaning becoming lost.

And these people are presumably already vulnerable.

Exactly. Often, experiencing narcissistic abuse in a relationship is traumatic, and so there's even more reason for people to get the right information and to be in the safe hands of qualified professionals under supervision and registered with a regulatory body, in order to support their recovery process.

This is one of my reasons for writing this book. I am really passionate about sharing clear information, my experience and knowledge about this; in a straightforward, easy-to-access, grounded and practical way. How to Leave a Narcissist… For Good is full of practical and pragmatic pointers about narcissism, what narcissistic abuse is and more importantly, what you can do about it. It's aimed to be a useful resource for readers and therapists alike.

What do mental health professionals get wrong about narcissism and narcissistic abuse?

It's important that mental health professionals can recognise the signs. You see narcissistic abuse play out in all kinds of relationships; in partners, families, parents and even in the workplace. One of the biggest complaints I hear from my clients is having had therapists who they feel have simply not understand the complex nature of narcissistic abuse. Worse still, ill-informed interventions may have reinforced the notion that 'it's all them and their issues or their fault'… which is very much the kind of thing somebody with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) will manipulate a partner to believe.

There is often trauma in the mix for people going through this – both present and historical. Toxic and abusive relationships of this nature are certainly not always straightforward or easy to exit.

Narcissistic abuse is known as 'invisible abuse'. There are no bruises or marks to see. It is subtle and progressive. People outside of the relationship may not suspect a thing. Abusers can be masterful in their manipulation of a situation or person to believe 'It's me and my fault', 'I'm the problem', 'I'm not good enough'. These are common core beliefs in action in abusive relationships. And to others, they can appear charming, caring and kind. With progressive coercive control and for example, the use of gaslighting, narcissistic individuals can manipulate a person into doubting as to whether what they are experiencing is even abuse. In extreme cases, people doubt their own sanity.

It's really important that mental health professionals arm themselves with accurate information on what narcissistic abuse is, what is sounds like, looks like and feels like, in order to be able to spot this in practise. All the key components that are helpful as a recovery process are outlined in my book. Things like psycho-education about narcissism, abuse, working on self-esteem, learning and setting healthy boundaries, communication and self-care and so on. It's basically a roadmap for readers and therapists alike, based on my clinical work over the last decade on what I've found most helpful as a pathway out of and onto more healthy, fulfilling, loving relationships. 

Narcissistic abuse = bad, any abuse = bad, I get that. But narcissism itself… Freud argued that 'primary narcissism', of the infant variety, is normal, healthy and good. Things go wrong for the young child when it doesn't feel the centre of attention. And Aristotle and others have argued that self-love is very much a necessary step towards true intimacy with others. Thoughts?

I agree, I don't think there's anything wrong with healthy narcissism! It's an important and natural part of our psychological and emotional development. We're all on a scale to varying degrees. We can all have some selfish moments or 'narcissistic defences', that kick in from time to time…immediate reactions like denial that protect us from the shame of being caught out, for example, doing something we aren't proud of. But with healthy psychology, we have the ability to self-reflect and experience remorse in order to work through that and to be able to apologise, repair any rupture in relationships and so on.

At the higher end of the spectrum is clinical NPD. People at the other end of the spectrum simply do not experience emotions in the same way that the rest of us do. They do not experience empathy or remorse and therefore lack the moral compass that navigates appropriate behaviour. In NPD, there is a core issue of deep-seated shame that all narcissistic behaviours and actions then serve to keep at bay. That kind of presentation is alarming! With pathological narcissism come all the defences that by definition are abusive to others. This is far from healthy. 

So you wouldn't be a fan of the argument that the bigger problem in our society is insufficient narcissism, not too much.

No, I'm not sure I'd agree with that! Take a look at those in positions of power in the business world, politics, world leaders, reality TV or Instagram… you'll see narcissism in abundance. It wasn't so long ago, during Covid times, when supermarkets were running out of loo roll and so many people jumped to an 'each to their own' mentality. I found that profoundly sad!

I personally think we live in a very individualistic society. Not necessarily narcissistic, but it's certainly less considerate, caring or connecting as it perhaps once was, or is in more collective cultures. 

What's behind that then?

An interesting observation I've made in my own clinical work over the years is how parenting styles have changed, and the impact of that on the mental health of that generation. Children of the post-war generation were often brought up with the mindset of tough mentality and a 'get on with it' attitude. This comes with its own trauma and emotional neglect that can play a role in the development of narcissistic personality.

Then parenting styles, as they do, change again over time in response to this and in line with changing awareness and information about mental health and psychology, in an almost over-compensatory manner. Now, I believe we are beginning to see a different kind of narcissism in the sense of self-entitlement and unapologetic self-care, bordering selfishness, as seen in Generation Z. I guess time will tell how narcissism in our society develops over time.  

In the book, you seem careful to be non-gender specific, but let's be honest, most of the case studies you include are men.

Well, I'm not sure it would be fair to say that men are more likely to be narcissistic abusers than women. I think that's another misconception about abuse. Both males and females can be narcissistic, and so both are certainly just as capable of being abusive. Narcissistic abuse is subtle. It's not physical.

Narcissistic abuse leaves somebody feeling like they aren't good enough or that they are not doing enough, or earning enough, or achieving enough. I think there's plenty of women who leave a man feeling like that, as well as vice versa. Many men in particular suffer from smear campaigns and/or parental alienation by abusive ex-partners. This kind of thing can also be a part of narcissistic abuse.

Unfortunately, I think there is still a thing where women are more likely to speak out about it or seek help, and men are perhaps more reluctant to out of embarrassment, shame, or lack of information.

Your book is largely about recovery, rather than the stage of working out what's going wrong and why.

The book begins with an explanation of narcissism and how NPD typically forms as well as outlining narcissistic abuse. Then the focus is absolutely all about recovery and all that helps and supports that.

Being stuck at the stage of trying to work out what's going on and why is, in my experience, often an indicator of shock and trauma from this kind of relationship. It can be helpful to some extent to understand enough about what makes somebody narcissistic and why they may be the way they are, but knowing this is not going to do much to change them or the situation.

At some point, in order to move on, we have to start to accept we may not ever fully understand it all or have all the answers to all the questions we might be left with. Often too much focus on the narcissist and trying to understand them or work out why they do what they do and so on is very much part of the problem in the first place. Too much focus on them, and not enough on self. Balancing your focus is really important in recovery. Not in a narcissistic way, but knowing how you feel, what you want, what you need and so on.

Recovery begins when a person can turn towards themselves and recognise their own values, feelings, wants and needs and then learn to attend to those in a loving and appropriate way. The book really walks the reader through a practical guide of how to do that. 

You described the book to me as 'not the cheeriest of reads'. What gives you positivity and hope for the future in this area?

I think knowledge is power. And I also think like any mental health or psychological issue, it is helpful in the first instance to understand and recognise it, but then more importantly focus on what's helpful. What's going to help me to end this? To feel better? To stop repeating abusive relationship patterns? What works? I'm very much a pragmatist!

I have found the process of writing the book deeply cathartic, and I feel so grateful to be able to use and share my personal and professional experience to hopefully help others. It was wonderful that a publisher picked this up, and that they feel equally strong about getting reliable information out about an issue that actually affects so many people. 

How to Leave a Narcissist... For Good by Dr Sarah Davies was published by Souvenir Press on 7 September. 

How to leave a narcissist… and recover

Recognise abuse

The first step in recovery is arming yourself with enough information to know and understand what abuse is. This can be in the form of physical, psychological or emotional abuse and includes coercive control.

Recognising abuse is two-fold. There is the observations about another's behaviour and actions. And there is how you feel and are left feeling.

Healthy relationships are mostly relaxed, you feel safe, secure and at ease. Toxic relationships are more like an emotional rollercoaster – there's constant ups and downs or you feel like you're walking on eggshells. 

Know the difference between 'fantasy' and 'reality'

It's really important to ground yourself in the present-day reality of the situation.

Many people get stuck wanting to believe the relationship can be 'how it once was' or hold onto some hope or fantasy of how they think their partner or situation 'could be'. Neither the past or dreams of the future are present. Taking an honest current inventory of how it is now is important. 

Master healthy boundaries

Learning to connect with your values and being clear in your personal boundaries are a key protective factor in relationships and positive mental health. Working on healthy boundary setting is essential in ending and moving on from toxic relationships.

Clear communication

Healthy and effective communication really goes hand in hand with boundaries and self-esteem.

Self-care

Often those who find themselves in abusive relationships are very good at caring for others yet neglect their own self-care needs. This is important to develop in recovery. Both in term of self-care actions but also inner self-talk and self-compassion. 

Grieve

Allow yourself to grieve the relationship and anything else connecting with that. It can take time to work through the grieving process. 

Process any related trauma

Sometimes people find themselves stuck in toxic relationships or repeating destructive relationship patterns because of their past trauma. Being in abusive relationships are also traumatic in themselves. For anybody who is struggling to move on it may be that specialist trauma therapy could be helpful.

This is an (edited) extract from How to Leave a Narcissist... For Good by Dr Sarah Davies, published by Souvenir Press.

Something that I believe is an important and necessary part of the recovery process is arming yourself with as much information as possible about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Thankfully, over recent years, there has been a huge increase in general public awareness of narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

This is a really helpful step in increasing awareness of this in our society and in learning to recognise this in relationships, in the workplace, in families and elsewhere. With awareness comes change. It becomes easier to spot the signs – a fundamental step in recovery. Learning how to spot the signs will arm you with this awareness, and crucially help you avoid becoming involved with narcissists again in the future.

I have witnessed a real shift in my private practice over recent years in regard to this awareness. Just a few years ago I would often meet clients coming to therapy for the first time complaining of feeling like they were 'going crazy'. They arrived in the hope of learning how to change themselves in some way, or be a 'better' person, a better partner, a better son or daughter, or a better employee, all in order to win approval, or gain peace or acknowledgement, regard or love from their narcissistic partner, parent or boss. 

Many people seek therapy for support in working out what is wrong with them. They would complain of a sense of never really feeling they were 'enough' and that nothing they did was ever good enough. This is often a key identifier of what it feels like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. Issues in a relationship are not down to one person. After all, if it is a relationship issue, that means there are at least two people involved!

If the other person in the relationship is a narcissist, then they will likely make you feel like it is all your 'fault', all your responsibility. This is a part of what narcissistic abuse is. Partners of narcissists end up feeling 'less than', 'not good enough', and like nothing they do will ever be good enough.

Just a few years ago, the clients I worked with had often never heard the terms 'narcissist' or 'narcissistic abuse'. They were convinced it was them, and that they were the problem. Usually, the narcissist in their lives had openly suggested and encouraged this idea. I want to be clear here that any relationship issue necessarily involves more than one person, and therefore that more than one person plays a part and bears a responsibility as to how that relationship functions.

One of the difficulties with being in a relationship with a narcissist is that they are unwilling and unable to take responsibility for themselves. That is why the narcissist's favourite mottos include 'It's you and your fault', 'You're to blame', and 'It's your responsibility'. This notion is childish nonsense, and quite simply narcissistic. Even considering that the issues lay within the relationship dynamic, rather than solely with one person, is a new concept for many people to accept.

Encouragingly, however, I see more and more clients arriving for therapy already wondering: 'Is this narcissistic abuse?', 'I think my partner is a narcissist', 'I think my boss is a narcissist', or 'Was Mum narcissistic?'

It is also encouraging to see such terms being more openly discussed in the mainstream, along with a broader understanding of narcissistic and unseen/invisible abuse. Such awareness being more on our radar, thanks to the increase of information available online, in books and magazines, truly helps us to be more conscious and vigilant – for ourselves and our friends, our family and loved ones. I cannot recommend enough that you arm yourself with as much information as possible around this subject – particularly at the early stages of recognising, or starting to come to terms with, your own experience of narcissistic abuse.

Read books, blogs, forums, watch videos, talk to others who may understand or have already had similar experiences. They can be so helpful to further understanding narcissism and can help make some sense of your own experience. Learning about narcissistic abuse often helps people to start to recognise that the problem is not with them – it is with the narcissist and their narcissistic abuse. This is a vital realisation in the early stages of recovery.