So, you’re about to become a grandparent?

Becoming a grandparent changes your relationship with every member of the family. Suddenly you are a parent of a parent who has their own view of what's best for their child. You are overwhelmed by an attachment to the new family member, but you have no direct control of their care. In this under-explored aspect of family life, I found – both in my own experience and in my research – many surprises. 

So, here's my list of challenges you can expect, and how best to meet them.

1. In the early stages, be prepared to receive more criticism of your input than gratitude for your motives 

Parents' brains are working overtime to learn about their own child. Grandparents' 'help' can interfere with their concentration, and heighten anxiety about their own parental skills. If you get some version of 'back off' when offering good advice, try not to be offended. The bad temper will soon pass. 

2. When helping out with a grandchild, try to avoid an 'I know best' tone of voice 

I was surprised how often grandparents declared with a dogmatic certainty, 'He's tired. He needs to be put down,' or, 'She's over-stimulated. We need to turn out the lights.' Grandparents generally have more experience than new parents in dealing with babies, but they also have less authority. Also, remember that baby care advice changes a lot in a generation, so you may discover you seem more old-fashioned than wise. This doesn't mean your advice is never welcome.

3. An accompanying joy of connecting to your new grandchild is witnessing your child becoming a parent…

But you may also find yourself newly (and critically) assessing your child-in-law: 'Are they pulling their weight or supporting your own child sufficiently?' Your own child is unlikely to find this criticism supportive. 

4. At some point the parents will accuse you of 'spoiling' your grandchild

Children spot the difference between parents' rules and grandparents' house rules, so some discrepancy in levels of indulgence and discipline do no harm. But take your cues from parents as to which of their rules about behaviour or gifts or activities are red lines.

5. The geography of your home will be transformed during grandchildren's visits

Some new grandparents are disconcerted as baby paraphernalia and toys are scattered throughout the house. (See photo, above, of me with my own grandchildren.) Soon, everything in the house becomes a child's toy. Try to conserve energy for a post-visit clean-up!

6. The most common advice grandparents hear is, 'Bite your tongue.' Try to find a way around this.

Silencing yourself to avoid conflict may avoid open conflict but it limits your relationship with the parents. Instead, try to express your views in the form of a question or open conversation. "Do you think the child might like…?" signals that you see the parent as expert without having to silence yourself.'

7. Your confidence that you know your grandchild will constantly be challenged

Grandchildren change rapidly, and as they grow they need the people close to them to keep up. It's wise to monitor those grandparent exclamations of delight that warmed an infant but infuriate a six-year-old. It's worthwhile making the effort to learn about their new interests. Even a surly teen is likely to be responsive to a grandparent's genuine interest in who they are and who they will become. 

8. You might have less than generous feelings towards the other grandparents

'Why does their religion/language/custom get priority?' is something some grandparents found themselves wondering (a concern that was inconsistent with their self image of tolerance and generosity). But if you feel shut out by the parents you're justified in challenging this exclusion. Begin the conversation with your own child, focusing on what you would like, rather than on your complaints about the other grandparents.

9. Don't be surprised if you feel back to where you were as a parent yourself – torn between wanting to have time to do your own thing and responding to others' urgent demands

One third of working mothers rely on grandparents for some regular childcare, and grandparents want to support their own child's career and they want to engage with their grandchild. But they can also feel over-stretched and taken for granted. Try to look at competing demands as opportunities and options.

10. This relationship has surprisingly long term value for you both 

Close bonds with grandparents provide children with a buffer from common adverse experiences such as parents' divorce. An active relationship with grandchildren also contributes to grandparents' health and longevity. Grandparents who engage with their grandchildren have a reduced risk of developing dementia compared to those in their age group who do not. It's win/win, so worth the work. 

• Grandparenting: On Love and Relationships Across Generations is published by September (Duckworth).