Seven ways to tackle desire discrepancy and the avoidance cycle

In their new book, Desire, practicing sex therapists, Dr Lauren Fogel Mersy and Dr Jennifer Vencill, draw on scientific research, cultural analysis, and years of hands-on experience to help everyone and every body better understand concerns relating to libido in order that they can go on to build deeper connections and experience more pleasure. 

Here, they share five ways to tackle desire discrepancy and the avoidance cycle, before an exclusive extract.

Have direction conversations

A desire discrepancy is a common phenomenon in which there are different levels of libido or sexual interests between partners. Contrary to what we're often taught culturally, desire differences are the norm, not the exception. This dynamic is a common feature of long-term relationships. When partners get together, they're naturally going to experience a variety of differences, including around sex. It's important to have direction conversations about sexual desire early in a relationship and it can be helpful for partners to identify their more predominant desire style.

Identify your libido style

Most people don't realise that there are two different types of libido: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the type that is most often reflected in the media. It's when libido seems to develop spontaneously and easily without much effort or intention. Whereas responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure or physical arousal. Responsive desire may take a bit more time to cultivate or require some intentionality. Just knowing that there are different pathways to desire can be very helpful for partners to understand their experience. Consider whether you may be more spontaneous or responsive in your style of libido. Once you have identified this, it will be important to share and discuss with partners.

List what impacts you and sex

Anything that can impact you can also impact your libido. This can be personal variables like fatigue or medication side effects, relational challenges such as an imbalanced mental load or high conflict, or environmental factors, like work stress. Consider creating a list of things that negatively and positively impact your interest in or experience with sex.

Be kind and gentle

Talking about sex can be vulnerable, so be intentional and thoughtful. Giving feedback about what feels good or not during sex is important, while bigger conversations about sexual needs and desires should happen outside of the bedroom, so there is adequate time and privacy for the conversation. Sometimes hurt feelings are unavoidable in relationships, but being kind and gentle in your approach can make a big difference.

It's important to remember that stress and mental health symptoms, like depression and anxiety, can impact people's sexual interest differently. For some people, stress increases their desire for sex, as it can act as a stress reliever. For others, stress decreases their desire. Both of these experiences are normal. 

Consider general relationship concerns

Some desire discrepancies are related to relationship problems, while others are not. If you're not feeling understood, respected, or there are high levels of conflict in your relationship, it makes sense that you may not be interested in being sexual or intimate. In this case, it can be helpful to first seek out relational therapy or work on general relationship concerns such as high conflict, low trust, or challenges with communication. 

Quality over quantity

The goal for partners is not to 'balance' or 'match' libidos, as this is often an unrealistic expectation for many relationships. Rather, we recommend focusing on pleasure and finding various ways to experience intimate connection. Sexual quality is much more important than quantity.

For higher-libido partners, we often suggest exploring different ways to feel desired and intimate. This can include various types of touch that are not necessarily genitally focused. For example, perhaps prolonged eye contact or skin-to-skin contact also help you to feel connected. It's important to have multiple ways to meet their underlying relational needs.

 For lower-desire partners, we highly recommend exploring what brings you pleasure. It's important for this exploration to be open-ended and not pressured, meaning it doesn't necessarily have to 'lead to' something sexual or even genital in nature. Pleasure can be a strong motivator to be sexual, so discovering what you like, just for yourself, can be very helpful.

Get off the sexual staircase

People find different sexual behaviours to be most pleasurable them. For some, what's considered 'foreplay' is their favorite type of sex. This is why we encourage folks to think more broadly about sex and pleasure rather than focusing solely on penetrative intercourse, as this is not everyone's preferred sexual activity or way to connect. We refer to this as 'getting off the sexual staircase', which we discuss extensively in our book.

Partners should consider seeking out sex therapy if their desire discrepancy is causing conflict or if they have tried some strategies and are getting stuck. A sex therapist can help you explore and identify the psychological, social, and relational factors that may be impacting arousal or sexual desire. They can also offer individualized exercises to meet your particular relationship needs.

Desire discrepancy and the avoidance cycle

Most partners have a sexual desire discrepancy at some point in their relationship. For some partnerships, desire discrepancies arise from time to time and are temporary. For others, a desire discrepancy is a more perpetual dynamic in the relationship. For example, one partner may ideally enjoy sexual activity three times per week, whereas the other partner may enjoy sex once a month. One partner may prefer intercourse every time they are sexual, whereas the other partner may prefer intercourse infrequently, or not at all. While it's very common for people to have different preferences around sexual frequency and activities, this is not typically how we are taught to consider sexual relationships – and it's certainly not what's represented in movies, television shows, books, and other media that we consume. Nevertheless, desire discrepancies are quite common and, for better or worse, it's unrealistic to think that we can exactly match up our own sexual ideals with our partner's.

One pattern that's very common among partners with a desire discrepancy is that the partner labeled as lower libido will try to meet their partner's sexual ideal. Let's use an example to illustrate this:

Rivka likes to have sex about once a week and ideally prefers intercourse. Chaim generally feels like being sexual about once a month. Chaim's preference is to skip penetrative intercourse to focus more on oral sex, which is his favorite sexual activity. If Chaim chooses to be sexual once per week to satisfy Rivka, and if they engage only in the type of sex that Rivka prefers each time, it won't be long before Chaim experiences a further lowering of his desire, as sex becomes all about and for Rivka. Remember that sex is not a drive – it's an incentive-motivation system. If Chaim does not have an incentive for sexual activity other than pleasing Rivka, it is likely that over time, he will lose interest altogether. Sex that satisfies only one partner is extremely difficult to sustain long-term.

Let's consider a metaphor here and, instead of sex, use watching movies as our example. Imagine that every time Em and Rory watch a movie, Em chooses the movie and Rory just goes along with it. Em loves action and adventure movies, whereas Rory enjoys drama and documentaries. If Em chooses an action film every time, how long will it be before Rory comes to the conclusion that they'd rather not watch a movie at all? What develops over time for Rory is a negative association to movies. Movies = I don't get to experience what I enjoy.

One of the greatest challenges of a desire discrepancy is that the cycle can perpetuate itself very quickly. The higher-libido partner wants sex more, perhaps, in part, because for them it does not feel readily available. The lower-libido partner wants sex less, perhaps, in part, because for them sex feels too available or pressured. Another way of saying this is that the supply and demand may be very different for each partner, which can reinforce the pattern and become even more frustrating over time.

Another variable may be that the higher-libido partner, in an attempt to cope, is trying to think less about sex. Meanwhile, the lower-libido partner, in their own attempt to cope, may be trying to think more about sex to meet the higher-desire partner. This creates an interesting effect. According to ironic process theory, developed by social psychologist Daniel Wegner, trying to suppress a thought actually has the opposite effect and instead tends to strengthen that very thought! In Wegner's famous "white bear study," officially titled "Paradoxical Effects of Thought Suppression," one group of research participants was asked to think about a white bear whereas the second group was asked not to think about a white bear. Both groups then verbalized their thoughts – stream-of-consciousness style – for five minutes. Each time they thought about a white bear, they were instructed to ring a bell. Despite the instructions they'd received, the second group thought about white bears more than once per minute on average.

In the next part of the study, this second group was then instructed to think about a white bear and again to verbalize their thoughts for five minutes, ringing a bell every time they thought of the bear. This group thought about the white bear much more often than those in group one, who did not suppress their thoughts in the first place. It seems, then, that when we try to suppress our thoughts, we experience a rebound and think about that thing even more. This is part of what makes desire discrepancies so challenging for many relationships. For the higher-libido partner, trying not to think about sex might leave them thinking about it even more! Of course this can lead to frustration for all partners involved.

Importantly, when people have come to us seeking help with low libido, we tend to see greater progress if they have one or more internal motivators to change, rather than if their goal is solely to satisfy a partner. If you feel you have lower libido, motivation to meet your partner's level of sexual interest may be what initially brought you to this book, which is perfectly understandable. We hope that, along the way, you might also identify and discover some additional, personal motivators for sexual activity. If not though, that can be okay and we include resources for you too.

The mental checklist for sex and the stress response 

Many people have a mental checklist of conditions that they go through before deciding whether to be sexual. You may or may not be aware of doing this. It's like your mind goes through a list before considering sex, and if any items on the checklist are not satisfied, sex can feel like it becomes off-limits. Here's a sample of what we mean:

• I must be feeling confident about my body
• I must not be too hungry
• I must not be too full
• I must have my to-do list completed
• I must feel energized
• I must not feel too stressed
• I must be in a good mood
• I must feel connected to my partner
• I must be "in the mood"
• There must not be any distractions in the home
• I must feel physically healthy
• The kids must be asleep

Do any of these sound familiar? If they do, you're in good company. And how often do all of these circumstances perfectly line up? Very rarely, if ever. If we wait for the perfect time to have sex, we may be waiting … and waiting … and waiting. The mental checklist is an excellent example of sexual brakes that can disrupt libido. people tend to find that these boxes are rarely all checked—perhaps only on vacations. The rest of the time, it's a lot to expect and largely unrealistic for our day-to-day lives. The question is not necessarily how to check all of the boxes – though certainly some may need attention – but rather to figure out how to maintain a healthy sex life amidst the chaos of our daily lives.

Stress affects sex. No shocker there, right? When our bodies are in a constant state of stress, all aspects of sexual functioning can be disrupted, especially spontaneous or responsive desire. The stress response involves the nervous system registering a sense of threat or danger. These stressors may be real or perceived. As Drs. Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski explain in their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, stressors are "anything you can see, hear, smell, touch, taste, or imagine could do you harm." These can be external factors like work problems or family obligations, or internal stressors like negative self-talk or feelings of shame. Stress, then, is "the neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body" when faced with a stressor. For some people, stress provides an incentive to seek out sex, as sexual activity helps them to reduce tension and feel good. For other people, stress inhibits their sexual interest, as sexual activity feels out of reach based on their state or capacity.

The stress response is known by many different names, including fight-flight-freeze, survival mode, dysregulation, being activated or reactive, and others. For the sake of consistency, we'll refer to it as our stress response. When we experience a stress response, our bodies are essentially detecting a threat, either real or perceived, and our behavior is often an attempt to seek safety. Some people cope with a stress response by seeking out sex. For others, however, this process shuts down sexual desire or the ability to get aroused. This is one reason (though certainly not the only reason) why some people have difficulty becoming sexually aroused, staying aroused, and/or having an orgasm. It's also why some people may not have spontaneous desire, or may struggle to cultivate responsive desire.

Though we've come a long way from our prehistoric, cave-dwelling days, in many ways our bodies don't recognize the difference between the threat posed by a predatory animal and the threat posed by a partner who is upset with us. It can all register the same way in our nervous system. What happens for many of us, then, is that we get stuck in the stress response and have difficulty returning to a state of calm and safety. Back in the days when we were being chased by lions, if we survived – by running away, fighting off the animal, or collapsing and being overlooked – there was an identifiable point at which the threat would end.

In our modern lives, our bodies don't often get the message that the threat is resolved. (Sometimes, that's because it isn't – more on this in chapters 2 and 4.) We may constantly find ourselves in a stress response. The link between libido and the stress response is critical for many people. As such, we'll return to this concept again and with additional detail in later chapters.

Libido, as it turns out, is much more complicated than most people realize. This is true regardless of your desire type or where you may fall on the libido spectrum. In the next few chapters, we'll explore more of the factors – from individual differences to large-scale sociocultural systems – that can impact libido.