Parenting taught me what the textbooks couldn‘t

As many of us know, having a baby is a life-changing experience that can be both exhilarating and challenging. Even though I have spent years studying and teaching human behaviour as a psychology lecturer, actually becoming a parent made me question everything I thought I knew. 

Did I really understand the complexities and richness of human development, such as a pair of eyes following me or staring at the lamp in utter curiosity? Why did I find myself picking a spoon up from the floor 23 times every mealtime, or reading This is Not my Teddy every single night over the last five months or, marvelling at every development, announcing, "Have you seen the baby turn the pages on their own? Is that Vygotskian or Piagetian?"

In those first weeks and months, I found myself experiencing a range of emotions with a completely new level of love. Was it all due to oxytocin, the chemical in the brain released during times when a person feels love and connection? Intertwined with the love was the joy, (that first cry!) and the wonder, (those are my eyebrows!) but there was also the overwhelming anxiety of not knowing what to do, of not having a lived experience or my own baseline knowledge to fall back on. Was I holding them correctly? Were they getting enough food? Were they breathing? Were they breathing? Hang on! Were they still breathing!!!?

Being a first-time parent has taught me that no matter how much I thought I knew about psychology (or how many books I read on child development), there is much more to learn from the messy, unpredictable, and endlessly fascinating new world of real-life parenthood. It has given me a deeper appreciation for the importance of understanding my child's development and the impact of early experiences on their future.

I have lectured about the importance of attachment theory and the role of parents and primary caregivers in supporting their children's development. But as a parent, I have learned first-hand the power of a secure attachment and the challenges and anxieties of questioning if I was supporting them well enough. Was I providing for my baby's physical needs, such as changing their nappy in time after a particularly explosive 'poonami'? Was I being emotionally attuned to and responding to them with warmth and sensitivity even when I hadn't slept properly for days? The simplest tasks can be an enormous effort when you are sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, like trying to find your mobile phone then realising you're holding it. 

New parenthood feels like a crash course in human development where every day feels like a multiple-question exam or a new thesis statement to defend, and the only way to pass is with a mix of love and humour, accepting it is challenging at times and with plenty of caffeine. It's a constant balance between meeting the baby's needs and caring for our own well-being. I have had to learn to be more patient (sarcasm didn't work very well), flexible (neither did a planned nap), and resilient (pulling off that 9am class after a baby decided they were doing an all-nighter) than I ever thought possible. 

We are certainly adapting. We try to get as much rest as possible by napping when our baby sleeps, we go to bed at the crazy hour of 7 pm on a Saturday, and we take turns to care for the baby while the other takes a break. We've also learned to embrace life's messiness (or the perpetual mess of our living room) and be open to the unexpected, how do they suddenly reach things that they couldn't the previous day – like laptops on the sofa?

Baby (or I should say toddler) seems like a master of adaptability, and as a parent, I have had to learn more from them than they from me. Parenting can be demanding and exhausting, a day of childcare duties can totally wipe me out. It is easy to put your needs on the back burner in favour of your child's. I know that taking care of myself is essential for mine and therefore their well-being. I have learned to ask for help from friends more than I used to and I feel the sense of community from parenthood. 

That said, being a new parent can also be an isolating experience, I have had to learn to share how I am feeling, and I am now in a position to better appreciate the idea that it takes a village to raise a child and how important a support network can be. Every now and then, I have a few minutes to meditate, go for a jog, read a book, watch the first 10 minutes of a movie with my wife, or sometimes even experience the pure joy of being able to drink my coffee while it is still lukewarm rather than freezing cold.

My parenting experiences have also helped me become a more reflective lecturer. They have given me a new perspective in many ways and given me a deeper understanding of the importance of early experiences and attachment, the complexity of human behaviour, self-care, coping, mental health, and a sense of community. I am grateful and humbled for the opportunity me and my wife have had to experience parenthood and I will continue to share my knowledge and 'expertise' with my students. Now though, it comes with a newfound appreciation for the messiness and unpredictability of the human experience.