Mind the gaps

Do you ever feel disconnected from your partner, even though you are sitting next to them on your sofa? Do you come back from a work trip and feel totally out of sync? Do you miss them even when they are around? It could be that there is a secret saboteur undermining your relationship – micro-separations. 

Micro-separations are times when we are separated, physically or emotionally, from our partner. They can range from something as small as checking your phone mid-conversation to a three-day layover in Johannesburg. They are a totally normal part of every relationship but if poorly managed, they can have dire consequences. So what can we do to safely identify, navigate and resolve any threats micro-separations pose to your relationship?

A constant ebb and flow

Before delving into micro-separations themselves, we need to talk about the nature of relationships. Every relationship goes through a constant ebb and flow between connection and disconnection, integration and individuality, being together and being apart. At the start of a relationship, we have a strong sense of self-identity. Couples go on lots of dates and get to know each other but they still keep their own hobbies, friends and ambitions. As the relationship progresses, couples tend to integrate their lives more and more, creating deeper connection and intimacy. This can often challenge the individuality that was initially so important. Some couples can struggle to balance their own needs and desires with the needs of the relationship, finding their individuality becomes lost in the process. 

Every relationship requires that delicate balance between self-identity and togetherness regardless of the impact of external circumstances, like separations due to work. This delicate balance can be tipped by many factors; here, we consider micro-separations.

There are four things that you need to know about micro-separations to prevent them from harming your relationship. The first is what they are; we will teach you the types of micro-separations as well as how to identify them. The second is the negative consequences that can arise if micro-separations are not properly managed. The third is the factors in your life, such as work-life balance, that can enhance their frequency and impact. Finally, we will give you guidance and techniques to help manage and minimise micro-separations.

What are micro-separations and why do they matter?

Put simply, micro-separations are brief periods of physical or emotional distance between partners. They happen every day to every person in every relationship and can vary in length and impact.

The majority of micro-separations occur when we are at a physical distance from our partner, for example when travelling for work. But as our lives have moved more and more online, these saboteurs can also invade downtime on the sofa, sitting next to your partner. Micro-separations can be as simple as inattentiveness and distraction, such as focusing on work, TV, social media, or children. They can still leave partners feeling ignored and uncared for. Without putting in the effort to be present in the relationship, couples can fall into patterns of micro-separations which, over time, create a sense of emotional distance, when one or both partners feel emotionally neglected or abandoned. 

Everyday micro-separations might include one partner checking their phone while watching a favourite TV series together; telling our partner, after a long day at work, that we are going for a run or to the gym without first having a chat about how both our days went; or taking a phone call from a business colleague at the dinner table, frustrating our children. Of course, not all such separations or micro-separations are indicative of deeper psychological issues, nor are they necessarily problematic. Separations are an inevitable part of everyday life and it is unrealistic to expect constant bonding and connection with the people in our lives.

In fact, in modern relationships micro-separations can even be healthy and necessary. Sometimes, couples need breaks from each other to focus on personal growth or goals. By spending time apart, people can gain new experiences and insights that can help them grow as individuals and as a couple. Micro-separations can help maintain independence and individuality, while also strengthening bonds by allowing couples to appreciate the time they spend together even more. However, it is essential that couples communicate openly and honestly about their needs and expectations to ensure that these periods of separation do not lead to misunderstandings or problems in the relationship.

Negative consequences of unmanaged micro-separations

The consequences of micro-separations are widespread throughout our lives, but people often don't realise they exist, let alone that they're hurting their relationships. As therapists, we are often asked how couples can better align with one another. On closer inspection, alignment issues are often a euphemism for the frustration and emotional pain that follow micro-separations. Couples seeking help will sometimes talk about their sense of loneliness, abandonment, and frustration with their partner. These feelings are often caused by frequent and extended periods of micro-separation.

Frequent physical micro-separations can make it significantly harder to get the necessary support we need to manage stress. With our partner often coming and going, we must constantly adjust to being together and then on our own again, which can be mentally and physically demanding. On the other hand, people who are always travelling have less access to supportive partners or family, which can increase their stress levels. People in these situations often find it difficult to bring up painful or emotional topics with their partners because they feel the need to keep a happy face during their limited time together, ultimately denying themselves the support they need. This means that they end up feeling detached and alone in their relationship, regardless of whether the couple is actually physically apart or not.

Recognising signs of relationship distress is important to avoid worse consequences such as infidelity or separation. However, distinguishing individual stress and relationship issues can be challenging as they tend to fuel each other. Stress symptoms, such as anxiety, irritability, irrationality, withdrawal, worry, and feeling overwhelmed, can negatively affect our interactions and our ability to communicate, think, feel, and behave, ultimately harming our connection with our loved ones. Being mindful of the impact of these symptoms can help us identify potential relationship distress and take necessary steps to address them before they escalate.

Unfortunately, when not addressed, persistent micro-separations can lead to detrimental consequences such as affairs. If frequent enough and over an extended period of time, they can create a sort of emotional distance in the relationship. Anxieties and fears start to surface, leading to less effective communication and to partners becoming disengaged and dissatisfied, leading to erosion of the relationship's foundation. One significant risk in this situation is that a partner will go looking for their lost support outside the relationship. Therefore, it is crucial for both partners to make a conscious effort to stay emotionally present and connected, especially when physically apart.

Factors that contribute to micro-separations

In order to best understand how to avoid the negative consequences of micro-separations, you need to know what factors lead to and alter micro-separations. Arguably the leading cause of micro-separations is our work. There are certain professions that are more at risk. The most common is shift work which causes extended absences from our partners: maybe your partner works a 9 to 5 and you work the evening shift. This can lead to a reduced sense of support as well as harming the intimate bonds that are so important. Other professions that are at risk are those that involve frequent travel and time away, such as healthcare, hospitality, military and aviation.

But micro-separations can harm our relationships even if we don't work away from our partners. Since the pandemic, many couples and families work from home or in a hybrid setup. If a couple work away from home they typically reunite and engage in shared activities after being apart, but now couples may want some alone time even if they have been in the same location all day. After spending a significant portion of the day in the same space, some people need to venture out for a visit to the shops, gym, a walk or run, or even see friends. Some may require this alone time to unwind and enjoy a sense of separateness to clear their minds. This can often lead to conflict if a couple is out of sync in how they want to spend their time together around work.

Furthermore, context can alter how we perceive and react to micro-separations. Here are some simple factors that can change how we experience micro-separations:

• Your relationship and history with the person separating. If you have a close connection with someone, you may not be bothered. But, if you have concerns about them, your reaction may be more pronounced.
• Upbringing and past experiences can also impact how we react. Growing up, separations may have been fraught, a welcome relief, ambiguous, painful or inconsequential.
• Past traumatic separations can make even minor separations seem more intense
• Our emotional state, such as fatigue, anxiety, or excitement, can also influence our perception of a situation and how we react to it. 

How to manage micro-separations

Now that you are sufficiently terrified of micro-separations, we are going to put you at ease by outlining some of techniques to help you maintain and strengthen your relationship both when you are with and away from your partner. There are three main areas that you can easily work on: work-life balance, communication and re-adjustment after separation.

As we have just been talking about work life, let's start with how you structure your workday when working from home. To avoid negative consequences of micro-separations you need to communicate and establish a clear structure for your day with your partner, including start and end times, work obligations, and free time. Discussing how you will physically separate from each other during work hours, such as working in different rooms or using different communication methods, is another good tip. Having a ritual for saying goodbye and ending the workday can also be helpful. You must clearly communicate with your partner about what you both need during the workday, whilst ensuring you spend quality time together outside of work.

Open, honest and effective communication itself is arguably the most important technique to focus on. Although it may not be effortless, actively listening to one another and acknowledging individual perspectives and emotions can greatly improve your relationship. Without effective communication, assumptions are made, conclusions are drawn, negative feelings are left without resolution and distance is either maintained or increased.

There are common traps that couples can fall into during conflicts, such as relying too much on emotional talk or using arguments that reflect their emotions rather than their intentions or desires. For example, instead of saying "I want a divorce" a partner might mean that they want their partner to understand them and work towards improving the relationship.

Equally important is addressing difficult topics before they escalate and become a source of disconnection, frustration, or annoyance. Otherwise, they can hang over you like a dark cloud or cause tension. When discussing sensitive topics, timing is crucial as it requires emotional effort and attention. It's best to avoid having these conversations during or after arguments when emotions are high.

Effective communication is particularly useful when regularly physically apart because it allows us to understand what has been happening in each other's lives while being apart. Asking questions and showing curiosity will demonstrate interest. Equally, being able to listen without interruption enables a person's story to feel important, regardless of whether they are the person travelling for business or the one that remains behind tending to the children. Creating balance within that communication with an equal emphasis on each person's story helps to avoid making one of the partners feel insignificant, or the other more important. Equal value should be given to each person's role.

Here are some more practical and effective strategies that can help enhance communication:

• Practice active listening and validate each other's thoughts and feelings. Ask how you can support each other. 
• Schedule a regular time to connect with each other while you are physically apart, using virtual platforms to communicate.
• Plan enjoyable activities to do when you are physically together, such as a date night, cooking a meal together, or going to the movies.
• Set aside time to be together, whether it's going to the gym or having a date night, to strengthen your emotional connection.
• Don't assume your partner wants you to solve their problems; sometimes they just need to be heard.
• Minimise distractions by putting away your phone and focusing your full attention on your partner.
• Find a common interest or project, such as renovating a house or learning a new skill, that you can work on together to enhance communication and problem-solving.

Either during long periods of separation or after continued micro-separations, you may feel like you are drifting apart from your partner or that you have become used to being away from them. When you finally reunite with your partner it is often not particularly smooth. Deliberate investment and moments of connection are needed to show your partner that they and the relationship are important to you. Small moments of connection can be more meaningful than grand gestures or gifts, as it is often these fleeting but personal moments that have the deepest impact. For example, a kind word showing how much you appreciate your partner or a long tight embrace can be more meaningful than a piece of jewellery.

Here are some ideas on how to re-adjust after time apart and show your partner how much the relationship still means to you:

• Expressions of gratitude can help your partner feel valued. Being able to say "Thank you so much for taking such good care of our children whilst I was away, I am so lucky to have you as a partner" helps acknowledge their importance.
• Create regular snippets of time to help to nurture the bond, a quick check-in over coffee or breakfast, a catch-up chat before bedtime, a dinner date.
• Be mindful of being physical without expectation. This helps convey affection and is an expression of love. A hug in the morning, a kiss on the cheek, an arm around the shoulder on the sofa, curling up together in bed, stroking hair, massaging shoulders.
• Park technology. Put phones in silent mode and turn off the television to create space from work, friendships and other distractions that prevent couples from focusing on one another.

Some other techniques that can prove beneficial or may be employed in therapy are simulating micro-separations, focusing on specific anxieties of partners, observing other couples interacting and re-adjusting expectations brought into the relationship. At the end of the day, learning to accept and successfully manage micro-separations is essential to navigate a successful and happy relationship.

• See also Being Together, Being Apart: Building A Successful Relationship Even When Physically Apart by Prof Rob J Bor DPhil, Carina Eriksen, Sara Chaudry
• Professor Robert Bor DPhil CPsychol CSci FBPsS HonFRAeS EuroPsy is a Chartered Psychologist; BPS and EAAP Clinical Aviation and Aerospace Psychologist; Specialist Family and Couples' Psychotherapist; and Registered Psychology Supervisor
• Thomas O'Hagan is a third year Psychology undergraduate at the University of Bristol.