Breaking the cycle of perfectionism

I grew up in Russia in the 1990s. In high school, we were taught to be perfect little soldiers – perfect uniform and perfect grades. At the age of 8, I used to wake up at 6 a.m. and pack my backpack for school. I once memorised everyone else's lines for a school play and anxiously mouthed them as the other children performed. I cried when I opened my folder in year 3 and I'd got a C grade in Physical Education. I am a perfectionist.

When I started working as a lecturer at GBS, I proofread one of the lesson slides and corrected spelling and grammar errors. Then I ended up going through the whole module, not sleeping for two days, fixing errors. In the first month, I got allocated 30 scripts to mark, but ended up marking three times as many, because it irritated me and made me feel anxious if scripts were not processed in time by other markers. 

Six months in, I was burnt out and sick with the flu. After taking a holiday where my parents forced me to leave my laptop at home, I finally managed to catch up on sleep and reflect. I considered how, during every degree I had ever done and every job since my early 20s, I have ended up burned out and disillusioned after a burst of energy when I worked at the capacity of four people. 

I wanted to try something different. I set out to find out more about why I am perfectionist and how to combat these exhausting patterns. In my quest, I attended an event, reviewed a book, and spoke with a fellow perfectionist.

An event

The talk, held at the London School of Economics, included speakers Dr Thomas Curran (Associate Professor at LSE who recently wrote a book called The Perfection Trap on this topic), and Natasha Devon (a writer and campaigner). It was chaired by a social psychologist, Professor Sandra Jovchelovitch.

Dr Curran was my PhD supervisor at University of Bath, and always an inspiration. He is an expert on complex statistics and really helped me to fully understand the links between the topics in my PhD dissertation. I've followed his career with interest: I was aware that he'd done research on perfectionism, and I was eager to hear practical lessons from his book to help me navigate a world that wants us to constantly achieve.

I was struck by how the discussion between Natasha Devon and Dr Curran contrasted with everything that Western society seems to stand for. In the Western World, many are encouraged to achieve whatever the cost, and people are always compared against each other. In more community-oriented societies, people also struggle with perfectionism, but for different reasons. 

After the talk, I researched a bit more on the topic and found out that in Iran, for instance, perfectionistic strivings – such as planning skills, striving for excellence and being very organised – were associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress in males. Such strivings were not associated with rumination, but that was associated with perfectionistic concerns (such as over mistakes or need for approval) in women. According to the authors (Moloodi et al., 2021) gender difference in rumination may reflect a paternal culture, whereupon men are encouraged to not overthink, and to ignore past events and uncertainties in life. 

Walton and colleagues (2020) also found differences between Western (US) and Eastern (Chinese) cultures. Chinese students had a higher score in terms of parental expectations and self-oriented perfectionism. It appears that in Eastern culture, the parental/community aspect affects perfectionism. 

Looking to Western society, Curran and Devon mentioned how the economic system is rigged against us. People are expected to constantly keep achieving, buying, and winning, and then aiming higher and higher, always being perfect. With the rise of social media, it has also become very easy to compare yourself with others and how seemingly perfect their lives are. However, Curran suggests in his book that winning and trying to be perfect is not good for us. 

Curran mentioned that there are different types of perfectionism. There is perfectionism which is focused on winning and achieving yourself. There's also perfectionism where people try to make others fit in with their criteria for perfection. Finally, there is a type of perfectionism where people are very invested in the opinion (real or imagined) of other people about them. Curran mentioned that if students are high in perfectionism, then they are not likely to try again after one failure, choosing instead to stop trying and to sabotage themselves. 

Finally, Curran mentioned that it is important to look after your mental and physical health during stressful points, such as during university exam periods or when you have a lot of work deadlines, as this leads to better outcomes. Young people often focus on the task in such situations, failing to take care of themselves, which results in lower performance. 

The discussion between Curran and Devon finished with advice – to be hopeful, to learn from failures and see what other opportunities arise when you do fail at something. Be kind to yourself. This is such a lovely message, and so much less brutal than that portrayed in Western films and media, focused on winning and perfection. Perhaps we as a society are slowly starting to realise that we need to recognise our weaknesses and work steadily on taking care of our minds and bodies and focus on the present, as opposed to needing to be perfect (and sacrifice our wellbeing for the aim of attempting to achieve unrealistic goals and expectations society has placed on us). 

The book

Jennifer Wallace writes about toxic overachievement culture in her book Never Enough. Her insights come from a survey of nearly 6,500 parents. Wallace's view is that we should not blame the parents for making their children feel that they should want to overachieve and be perfect to please their family. She suggests that parents were more relaxed in the 1970s and 1980s because housing, food, healthcare and higher education costs were much more affordable at that time. Parents these days have experienced more inequality, resulting in parents worrying about their children's futures. The worries of parents about living costs are being passed onto children, resulting in perfectionism. 

Amongst Wallace's findings were that wellbeing was associated with families and schools valuing and supporting children for who they are, not for what they should achieve. Additionally, the children who were giving back to the community they lived in coped and strived in more healthy ways. This group knew that their value as people did not depend on how well they do at school, for example. 

Wallace suggests that parents should reflect on their anxieties (that they likely project to their children); ensure that their children have fun (and not just achievement-related) extracurriculars; and ask their children about what the child cares about, rather than simply their test scores.

The fellow perfectionist

I spoke with a fellow perfectionist, medical doctor and lecturer (for widening participation students) to find out her thoughts on perfectionism. Saiqa Shah is my colleague at GBS who currently teaches foundation and year 3 modules on BSc Health, Wellbeing and Social Care degree as well as being a module lead for two modules, marking and helping to write modules across the degree programme. Before this job, she taught and studied Medicine at the University Hospital in Dniepro, Ukraine and worked as a CBT therapist for Insight Healthcare at the same time. As well as studying to be a medical doctor, Saiqa has also obtained a BA inEarly Childhood Studies and an MSc in Developmental Psychology. She's a very busy perfectionist overachiever indeed! 

Have you experienced any positives of perfectionism? 

Certainly, perfectionism does indeed carry some merits. It can serve as a powerful driving force for maintaining focus and staying organised, particularly in managing daily tasks and responsibilities. When channelled effectively, it can lead to an increased attention to detail and a commitment to achieving high standards in both personal and professional endeavours. This meticulous approach can help shape a more disciplined and efficient daily lifestyle.

Has perfectionism ever been a strain for you in your private and personal life?

Yes, perfectionism, whilst offering certain benefits, can also become a significant source of strain in one's private and personal life. The constant pursuit of flawlessness and the unrelenting pressure to achieve it can exact a toll on mental well-being. This pressure can escalate into heightened levels of anxiety and, in some cases, even lead to symptoms of depression. Balancing the quest for perfection with maintaining a healthy work-life balance can be particularly challenging.

How do you think perfectionism generally affects medical staff?

Perfectionism can exert a notable impact on medical professionals and the healthcare environment as a whole. While striving for excellence is a noble pursuit in the medical field, an overly perfectionistic mindset can introduce considerable stress. It can foster a culture of intense competition among medical staff, potentially leading to feelings of resentment and friction within the team. Effective communication and collaboration, which are vital in healthcare, can sometimes be hindered as a result.

Have you noticed your students, both past and present, being affected by perfectionism? How does it manifest?

Absolutely, I've observed the influence of perfectionism on many of my students, both past and present. Some students exhibit a relentless drive to consistently attain top grades and excel academically. However, this pursuit of perfection can have profound implications for their mental health. When faced with a lower-than-expected grade or perceived failure, they often internalise immense pressure and stress. This pressure can, in turn, have detrimental effects on their overall mental well-being. Additionally, it can erode their self-confidence and self-esteem, as they may interpret any setback as a major blow to their self-worth.

Striking a balance

In summary, perfectionism is a double-edged sword. It can drive individuals towards excellence and meticulousness, but it also has the potential to exact a significant toll on mental well-being, leading to anxiety and depression. In healthcare settings, it can foster competition among staff, impacting teamwork and communication. Among students, the pursuit of perfection can lead to tremendous pressure and negatively affect mental health and self-esteem. Striking a balance between the pursuit of excellence and maintaining emotional well-being is crucial, both in personal life and within the healthcare profession. 

My reflection

My exploration into my own perfectionism, and how the expectations of family affect me, has prompted me to think of the type of parent I want to be. I don't want my future child to be affected by my expectations of myself and of them. I just want them to be happy and healthy. 

I also thought about my sister. She is 11 years younger than me and is experiencing a lot of stress during her university studies. We talk a lot on the phone, so I think this family connection helps her to feel more relaxed and supported. She also visits me and my parents regularly – only recently we all had a holiday together where we walked, ate, chatted and did sightseeing. My sister, my dad and I all had a bit of work to do on holiday, unfortunately. Perhaps for us, perfectionism is a generational problem. My mum's dad kept working until he was 95, publishing books on aerospace engineering. My dad's dad still works as a mining engineer and he turns 90 this year. Whilst it is good to work hard and enjoy it, I know that my dad has gone through phases where he overworked due to perfectionistic anxious feelings, as my sister and I do now. It is down to my sister and I to increase our awareness and break the cycle. 

I've also learned to look at myself as who I am, as opposed to what I achieve. I am a lecturer who teaches students and models an example of how to live well. I should try to value myself more as a person and less as a vessel for fulfilling KPIs at work. Also, I should support my students in understanding the importance of learning for enriching their lives and try to explain that it is OK to fail: it is all part of a learning process.