Beating loneliness in your 20s

I find myself circling between jobs as I make my way through my 20s, settling in places I know for a short while before detaching again. A glimmer of hope appears with every new job – a chance to establish bonds and connections and create something worthwhile. Yet as the jokes and chitchat of coworkers whirl around me, but I can never quite catch the rhythm of it. Everyone is around me, but the deeper relationships I want to have seem unattainable. I sense the weight of isolation surrounding me with each life change, like a silent friend murmuring in my ear.

A friend who has moved 100 miles away from home is an only child. She is struggling to find comfort amidst the loneliness. Many people in their 20s go through this but perhaps fewer talk about it – at least openly. There can be laughter and liveliness in the world, and good people, but the quantity of connections does not always equal quality.

Even the wealthy and well-known are not spared the emptiness of loneliness. Actress Anne Hathaway once said 'Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I'm most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me." And the singer Beyonce has dealt with isolation by turning the camera on herself: "I guess I was a bit lonely and I wanted to talk to someone so I opened up my computer and I just talked." 

Why are young adults feeling lonely? What is the psychological impact of loneliness, and how do we address this concern?

A period of transition

Our twenties are often marked by significant life transitions, such as moving for education or work (Brubaker, 2020). The period of 18-25-years-old is often termed 'emerging adulthood' (Arnett, 2000, 2014), typically characterised by increased instability and possibilities, greater self-focus, identity exploration, and feeling 'in-between'. Kirwan and colleagues (2023) interviewed this age group and two key themes were identified; loneliness as "a part of growing up", and expectations about a typical emerging adult's life – "that's how my life should be".

The psychological framework of loneliness in this age group can also be explained by Erikson's psychological stage – intimacy vs. isolation. This is a major developmental task in young adulthood where an individual seeks balance between the poles of intimacy and isolation in intimate relationships. A lack of contact with people – and in particular, those who can validate a person's self-concept (Richman et al., 2016) – could lead to confusion and maladaptive outcomes. 

Social media is not always the answer!

Potentially, in online environments at least, we are more connected than ever. But this can become a double-edged sword. Emerging adults form expectations about their lives through social comparison and via wider societal norms. They compare themselves to peers, often on social media, and this can lead to loneliness if they perceive others to be more popular or sociable than themselves (Kirwan et al., 2023). Some respondents in a qualitative study by Sundqvist and Hemberg (2021) described that seeing friends or acquaintances on social media triggered their feelings of loneliness. One participant said: 'It's pretty self-evident that when we see what others do and that they're having fun [on social media] … then this loneliness and exclusion feeling automatically arises.' Another mentioned that social media is a lonely activity, leading to more loneliness when one sees other people at social settings: 'It's just that … It's a lonely act being on social media … oftentimes social things are shared on it … it somehow becomes very paradoxical when you're alone watching social activities… it's working against its purpose.'

A study conducted during Covid lockdown (Jutte et al., 2024) found that more usage of social media was associated with more and not less loneliness, and one with university students found that social media is positively correlated with symptoms of social anxiety and loneliness (Sun, 2023). People tend to feel lonelier, sadder, less affectionate and understood after they engage in less life-like interactions (Petrova & Schulz, 2021), perhaps because digital interactions can lack the depth and emotional satisfaction of face-to-face relationships.

The health risks of loneliness

There has been a lot of research within the social identity model of health, led by Catherine and Alex Haslam, which has shown the detrimental health impacts of loneliness. Loneliness has been linked to lower quality of life and worse affective symptoms (such as anxiety and depression) over time (Wang et al., 2020). 

Loneliness does not only affect your mental well-being, but physical health too. People who feel lonely often have higher blood pressure as well as an increased risk of heart problems (Hawkey et al., 2006; Thurston & Kubzansky, 2009). Loneliness can speed up cognitive decline, making it harder to think clearly and remember things (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). It can even increase the risk of developing dementia (Tilvis et al., 2004). 

There are also some intriguing broader impacts. When you're lonely, it is harder to control your emotions and behaviour, which can lead you to have difficulty in sticking to healthy habits. The ability to regulate one's thoughts, feelings, and behaviour is critical to accomplish personal goals or to comply with social norms (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010).

One step at a time: Build meaningful connections

Feeling low during periods of loneliness is natural, but instead of dwelling on being alone, start small in trying to form meaningful connections. Join groups that interest you and require minimal commitment. For example, hiking groups often have weekend activities. If hiking isn't your thing, explore book clubs, art classes, or workout sessions. Consider volunteering for a cause that resonates with you. It's one of the best ways to foster authentic, lasting connections. I began volunteering because I wanted to attend a conference with a high ticket price. Volunteering as an usher for four days gave me an all-access pass and free meals twice a day. Throughout the week, I met celebrities, top professionals, and made countless new friends – all while enjoying the event.

While social media is often the fastest way to connect, particularly since the pandemic, use it mindfully. Make the end goal to connect in real life, using social media only to start the connection and make plans. It is also a good idea to do 'digital detox' once in a while –  maybe start by putting a time limit on scrolling Instagram, or put your phone away after 11pm every night. Something as simple as taking a 10-minute walk without your phone during a lunch break could also let you to reconnect with colleagues or neighbours. 

Universities, workplaces, and communities can foster better social support networks for young adults too. If you are a postgraduate student, find a postgraduate group on Facebook or on campus itself. Mentors or seniors can share their own experiences and coping strategies for stress and loneliness. You don't need a large group of friends to start an activity – cultivate a few close, authentic relationships to help to ward off the feelings of loneliness and have something to look forward to. Invest in self-discovery and self-compassion. Do journaling: pursue your hobbies or set your own personal goals to help you feel more connected to yourself. When you establish a routine of self-care and time management, it also helps create stability and ensure you are not overwhelmed by the uncertainty of being in your 20s. 

The UK government has also launched several initiatives to tackle loneliness, inspired in part by The Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness. Community spaces, local support groups and social programs can help people with their social activities. A Connected Scotland – the Scottish Government's first national strategy to tackle social isolation and loneliness – was also developed to build stronger social connections. One way is through the offer of supportive, reliable relationships through volunteer 'befrienders'. There are befriending projects across the nations which organise effective support for people. 

Is loneliness a path to a freedom?

There's a famous proverb, 'if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together'. So find your community, both online and offline. Remember, nowhere is too full. Keep searching for your space until you find one where you fit. 

The first step is the hardest, but my advice is to start small, and then to seek the support you need, whether it's from friends, family or professionals. I'll end on an alternative note though, around reframing loneliness: when you are alone, is it loneliness, or is it freedom?

Lyana Ameruddin
PhD Candidate and Psychology Lecturer
Sunway University Malaysia