The basics of bully blocking

Most kids respect children who are genuine and accept themselves just as they are. These children say what they think and feel, without upsetting others. They don't accept uncomfortable, stressful or abusive behaviours, nor do they inflame a difficult situation – they just block or defuse it.

Just as we require exposure to germs to build our physical resilience, we all need training to protect ourselves from stupid, insensitive, mean, nasty or abusive humans, wherever we are – at home, school or later on at work!

In fact, dealing with difficult people and bullying behaviours is an essential part of relating within any social group, where even friends could take advantage of our weaknesses. However, the bonus is that once we stop showing our fear, anger or vulnerability, as a target or even when we bully, and use assertive, bully blocking behaviours, it changes our life. Once a child takes away the bully's power to hurt them, the bully becomes embarrassed and often leaves them alone. Some bullies actually invite their targets to play and become friends!

"When children have the social skills to connect and protect themselves, they have the confidence to take on greater social risks such as meeting new people, making more friends and increasing their social adventures later on.

This chapter will provide you with lots of ideas for helping a child deal with teasing, physical bullying, social exclusion and cyberbullying. These ideas can empower them. They need to listen to their guts, and ask themselves whether the bullying behaviours are fair and reasonable. Most kids have a gauge to judge what's fair or not. Encourage them to listen to their guts and take action if the bullying is unacceptable and hurtful. 

You can help them discuss these ideas at home, school and with others, to make sure that they're safe for this child to use. Then help them practise the skills, before trying them on a real bully.

"Owen was born in Singapore to a Japanese mother and an American father. He went to preschool in Singapore and then to a Canadian school for a few years. Each time his family relocated to another culture, he felt increasingly different to other children. It was stressful balancing his family's cultural issues at home and dealing with the cultural differences at each school. When his father was transferred to Australia, he was thrust into a 'rough n ready' school environment. His low self-esteem attracted bullies. His cultural upbringing prevented him from speaking out and obtaining help until he broke down.

Don't show fear or anger

Humans used to hunt all the time for food, clothing and shelter. While many adults still regard hunting as a game at work or in the wild, many kids also believe that bullying is a game, where they choose a target, chase them, destroy them and then find another target to bully! In the animal world, a weaker animal handicaps the group's survival, and nobody gets a decent meal. But we need social groups where everyone collaborates, supports one another and shares responsibilities, and we must also manage bickering, ostracism and abuse otherwise the bullying escalates into violence.

Many children understand that they can't show their fear or anger to an animal because they'll attack them or flee to protect themselves. The same applies to dealing with bullies. Most bullies pick on nearly everyone at the beginning of a year as they don't know whom to attack. But, like animals, they soon smell a child's fear or notice their frustration. Bullies pick up on their target's eye movements, facial expressions, body language, voice and actions following their initial attack. They realise when a sensitive child won't protect themself by remaining neutral, because the child reacts, runs off or fights back. This buttresses the average bully who automatically picks on them again, without needing to search for a new target every day.

It must be frustrating for kids to realise that their behaviours inform the bully whether or not they qualify as a regular target. When the child shows their fear or challenges the bully – for example by saying, 'How dare you call me an idiot?' – that's how they escalate the bully game. That's when I say that they make the bully happy.

When my little dog Harry barks at a child, I call him my 'bully meter'; he senses the child's fear and fights first to protect himself. Like Harry, the bully senses a child's fear and attacks first to protect themselves from possibly being attacked by them. Tell the child, 'Don't show your feelings when it's not safe. It's none of the bully's business what you feel, is it? Disguise your feelings and release them later on somewhere else. Act cool and confident, wear a blank face and give a neutral reply. Then you block the bully!' Encourage the child to confront only those bullies who don't intend to hurt them.

" When the average bully can't detect their target's fear or anger, they lose power, become embarrassed and stop. This is the beginning of the target's power!

PARENT EXERCISE

Which behaviours should your child use when bullied?

• Maintain good eye contact.

• Adopt a neutral expression.

• Stand up straight.

• Move without jiggling.

• Speak clearly and calmly.

• Say something neutral, clever or assertive.

• Tell the bully and bystanders exactly what they feel.

• Report the bullying to adults.

Don't be part of the bully's game

My sister claims that I bullied her as a child, though fortunately we're extremely close now. Siblings banter and bully frequently, then make up on their own or when their parents intervene. They know the rules at home. Likewise, there seems to be an odd ongoing connection or collusion between some bullies and their targets (Marano 1995). Some targets need to release their emotional problems, so they provoke the bully to prolong the bully game.

The target rewards the aggressive bully by becoming powerless, or bullies someone else. Some make excuses, such as 'He's my friend even though he bullies me sometimes.'

Tell the child: 'This is what you do instead. Stop chatting to the bully or give brief, polite replies and move away from the bully game. Find nicer kids to play with. You can alter the rules of the bullying game to stop being hurt. You can remove yourself, become detached, obtain help from others or use other techniques to block the bullying.'

Ask the child: 'Imagine that our family won a fabulous trip overseas. You'd miss four weeks of school. Who would the bully target while you're away?' 

I'm sure that they know their bully's next target. Other vulnerable kids will come to mind. That's how the bullying game works.

Don't deny the bullying

Many students prefer socialising with popular kids, even if that means surrounding themselves with bullies instead of nicer kids who are less popular. 

When a child joins groups where they play bully games, they'll feel pressured to be nice to their bully and defend them, even if they get hurt along the way. This rewards their bully. It makes it easy for the bully to deny their mean behaviours and, with a look, gesture or words, force their target to agree the bully was doing nothing wrong. If someone asks, the child pretends that they're not being bullied and that if they are, it doesn't hurt. They prolong their pain and allow bullies to continue hurting them. When kids collude with a bully, pretending it was a just a joke or that everyone was fooling around, they can end up feeling more hurt inside.

Tell the child: 'This is what you do instead. Don't lie to yourself and pretend everything is okay when you're actually injuring your brain, perhaps permanently! Stop playing games with bullies.' 

"Gabi was close friends with Chloe until Chloe joined the cool group. Gabi still hangs around Chloe and her friends, but her friends bully Gabi, calling her a geek. Despite this negative attention, Gabi believes that it's better being ostracised by a popular group than to be seen with a bunch of nerds.

Take advantage of the bully's predictability

Bullies are often quite lazy. They want to press a few buttons, have a quick game and obtain instant gratification at school. That's why all bullying, including cyberbullying, reduced during the Covid-19 pandemic. The average school bully isn't very creative. The words they use to tease their target belong to an average of four to six different categories. Their teases are quite predictable.

While the target has heard the same tease before, when they go red in the face, teary or answer back rudely, the lazy bully instantly identifies their hurt feelings.

Tell the child: 'This is what you do instead. Write down the teases that make you feel sensitive and react. Classify them into groups – such as looks, intelligence and nationality. I can help you or ask your counsellor to coach you in performing neutral comebacks to these teases. Once you block the bully they will give up and sadly find someone else who's more vulnerable.'

Help the child connect with supportive people

Most bullies won't attack a child who belongs to a small, close group of friends. Like animals in the wild, bullies pick on children who don't belong to a supportive social group. Deep down bullies are terrified of being excluded, so children who are alone and don't belong to a group remind them of their own fears. Many targets are shy, isolated, have social difficulties and lack a support network. They can't rely on their 'bestie' to help them stop the bullying. Their peers can't protect them if they don't have close connections with them, because they don't know when the target's being bullied or how to help. If they're also friends with their bully, they're torn between helping the target or the bully, or fear retaliation and standing next in the bully's firing line.

Tell the child: 'This is what you do instead. Collect a bunch of nice, supportive kids in your class who can support you if the bully attacks. You can tell them how to help – for example, 'Video the bully bullying me' or 'Tell the teacher what you witnessed.' If this is difficult, ask your teacher/counsellor to help you connect with a nice group of kids.'

Don't let a child face a bully alone

Bullies abuse their power because they feel powerless inside. Most bullying is done in front of peers or bystanders to get attention. Even if they bully out of sight, everyone seems to know when the target is being bullied. Some bullies appear popular with strong leadership skills; they're supported by their group and control them. If members of the peer group smile, smirk, laugh, condone, collude or collaborate, the bullying escalates. Peers and bystanders may cheer the bully on and deny any bullying to the teacher. The bully manipulates the group to build their power and control the group.

Tell the child: 'This is what you do instead. Don't face a bully or mob on your own. Ask your peer group for help. If a whole group shows the bully their behaviour isn't acceptable, the bully may stop bullying to save face and remain in the group. If your peer group can't help, fnd a nicer bunch of mates or get help from adults.'

CLASSROOM EXERCISE

Divide your class into small groups to discuss the following questions:

• Which of the following statements do you think bullies believe?

– Bullying is just a game and nobody gets hurt.

– The target didn't complain so it's okay.

– Nobody will catch me online so I'll get away with it.

– I want to be popular.

– I just copy others.

– The target is so annoying.

– The target is so sensitive; they can't take a joke.

– I make other kids laugh.

– Targets won't actually hurt themselves even if I tell them to.

– The school/police won't do anything.

– I won't feel guilty about having bullied them in the future.

• Is bullying a game? Why/why not?

• Why do bullies bully? Find some reasons.

• How do kids make it easy to become a target?

• How do kids prolong the bully game?

• What can we do differently to stop the bully's game?

• What can bystanders do?

• Do you know of any bullies who regretted their behaviours later on?

Watch for the dumbstruck look

The moment a child blocks a bully in a calm, polite, assertive manner, they take the bully by surprise and shock them. The bully expects their target to be angry or fearful and react, as usual, but they don't realise that they've suddenly become calm, rational and strategic. It's very challenging for the bully to realise that, since their target began using their prefrontal cortex together with their gut instinct, their responses have changed. Teach the child to enjoy watching out for the dumbstruck look, while not revealing their secret. The bully's eyes may go wide, their jaw drops and their mouth opens wider. They may shake their head or look like a deer in front of headlights.

Bullies, like everyone else, don't like losing their power when they mess up. They feel stupid, stuck and powerless. The moment the child gives a good retort or remains confdent and secure, the bully senses that something strange and mysterious has occurred. The child didn't say or do anything mean, but the bully feels off-kilter. They don't understand that the target has just taken away their power to abuse them.

" Remember that the subtle fear of being embarrassed again, which everyone hates, especially in front of peers, stops the bully bullying your child!

CLASSROOM EXERCISE

Divide the class into pairs to discuss the following questions:

• Have you ever felt dumbstruck or embarrassed? If so, what did it feel like?

• Have you even watched someone else become dumbstruck or embarrassed?

If so, what did it feel like watching them?

Be careful of mobbing

When a person is bullied by a group, it's called mobbing. It could include teasing, excluding, malicious rumours, cyberbullying and physical attacks. Its aim is to blame the target who is different and unify the group. Mobbing is more common in some countries and cultures.

There's usually a bully leader who supervises the bullying game and has their own reasons for targeting the student. It's very hard for a child to confront a bully leader – they need to ask adults for help, report them to the school or the police and remove themselves from anywhere near the mob.

"Once the adult realises a mob is abusing the child, they need to take action to protect the child, as nobody can be expected to confront a mob on their own.

CLASSROOM EXERCISE

Ask students to write down three useful ideas to take action if they're being mobbed in person or online. Discuss as a class.

Point out the child's new smile

The really big switch begins when a target stops feeling and looking miserable, and their lips begin to smile! This can happen when mean words, which seemed so painful minutes earlier, suddenly take on a different meaning when they understand the bully game and how to block the bully.

This small smile is the first sign of the child's new power. It's a sign that they can see the bully game from another angle. The child can shift their mindset from feeling stuck, hopeless and powerless, to being assertive or getting help to take away their bully's power. Then they need to tell their parents about their recent success!

 "At an unconscious level, the smile shows that it's simple to be assertive and the child will enjoy doing that, once they realise it's easy to protect themselves.

***

Sadly, decades of wishful thinking, based on the unfulfilled potential of school bullying programs, placed the duty of care on the school. Time has shown this to be a misconstrued myth. We need to empower students to block bullies wherever they are, at school, home or work. Fortunately, although these skills are based primarily upon animal behaviours, it's not hard to develop rational solutions.

• Evelyn Field is a psychologist, author and speaker. Find more about her work and the book here.