‘In all the chaos of you, wait for me, I am coming’

Throughout my journey in Psychology, I have seen so much judgement heaped upon mothers, from so many angles, often in the name of a profession I love so much. 

I once struggled to sit in a lecture given by someone who sneeringly told the room 'some parents don't even know how to play with their children'… they proceeded to demonstrate the 'psychologically perfect way of play'. I was frantically taking notes while feeling outrage for this imaginary maligned mother. I also remember raising postnatal depression in an attachment theory lecture and being met with an awkward silence. I sat there thinking, where is the mother in all this? Who is going to stand up and say, 'attachment is a relationship that should promote and support the emotional health of both mother and child'? A mother cannot offer a stable attachment base if she feels isolated, uncared for, unsupported. How can she be the 'safe space' when no one is offering her one?

When I had my first child my understanding of attachment theory helped me navigate the journey. I even remember telling a psychology student that I was glad I had my psychology background, as I was noticing I was less hard on myself than my new mum peers. But at times I still felt overwhelmed by psychology theory, telling me another thing I had done 'wrong'. And so I chose to write my book How to Help Your Child Cope With Anything, based on my own experiences as a mother. 

'All will be well in the end'

In my early mothering journey, I didn't read a single baby book. Some people might find that hard to believe, but I sat safe in the knowledge that 'all will be well in the end'. 

I attribute this to my understanding of attachment theory – your intention is key, and in the end this stage shall pass. Most importantly of all, if feeding, sleeping and the like feels unscheduled and unstructured, that's ok. Babies don't get the memo about schedules… they are just doing what babies do. 

I often felt quite distant from my fellow mums as they would discuss baby-led weaning, ways to swaddle to promote sleep, paediatrician appointments to discuss colic… I even worried that there was something wrong with me, that I just blindly assumed all of this would work itself out. Initially I attributed this 'calm in the face of chaos' attitude to my ADHD – chaos is no threat to me, she is a lifelong companion. But I wondered if there was something more in this 'less schedule-focused, more emotion-focused' approach I had to parenting.

I had been blessed with a job that had given me experience of the wide spectrum of parenting, and what truly is 'damaging' parenting. I had a solid grasp on the idea 'Attachment is key'. Yet in my early years as a mother, I was nervous to say 'you have one job as a mother and it is to be a safe space', even though I thought it might just help all these wonderful mothers I saw around me struggling with anxiety, tension and fear. I wanted to tell them, 'Even if you didn't do it the way that book said, you are a great mother'. 

As I continued in my own mothering journey, I became more secure in saying 'I may just have some advice for you, I hope it helps…'

The missing community

At one point in my career, I ran a group for refugee women. I happened to be pregnant with my second child at the time. The group's focus was initially supposed to be trauma recovery, but it often turned to the subject of mothering and what it is to be a mother. 

As I came closer to my delivery, visibly more pregnant, one session turned to a discussion about the postnatal period. Who is there to help after the birth? I listened in awe to these beautiful tales from all the women, of sisterhood and community, and mothers being truly supported in this new life stage. The group turned to ask me what we 'Western women' do. I mentioned something about a health visitor, and one of them laughed and said 'No, I mean, who is going to look after the baby whilst you recover? Will your mum or sister move in, will it be your neighbour…?'. I will never forget the look of horror and shock on their face when I told them 'No, it will just be me… my husband will try as well, but he will be at work'.

'So no one helps you?', they asked. 'How will you rest?' 'I dunno,' I laughed; 'with difficulty'.

I have never forgotten this: one woman turned to me and said 'Is this why in the West you get that thing… what do you call it… where the mother gets very sad… postnatal depression?' I sadly agreed, 'Yes, it probably is'. In that moment I realised what I think I had always known – this is not how mothers have been supported throughout history or across the globe.

This a modern and predominantly Western phenomenon – we tell mothers, 'Here's your baby, go work it out'. No wonder we find ourselves with so much anxiety, insecurity and, yes, postnatal depression. We are alone. I knew then that one day I wanted to write a book that helped in even a small way to ease that grief, and to offer the community that we are so desperately missing.

Parenting above all

My book also combines parenting with trauma theory. That idea came to me at 4am in the morning. I had finished my PhD just three weeks before and, at a time when I should have been feeling relieved and proud, I was deflated. My research on child trafficking in Central and South East Asia showed that whilst some progress was being made on the issue, there seemed to be so many bigger factors at play – global economics, geo-politics, and culturally embedded patriarchy. I knew I cared deeply about the issue, but I wondered if the fight was just beyond me – there can be no crime more repugnant than the trafficking of children, but did the people in positions of power really care? 

Then it hit me. The day before, I had returned to my research to try to shape a journal article, and one thing had jumped out at me. Outside of all the geo-political tectonics that shift and grind, a single factor predicted a more favourable outcome for the survivor: parenting. 

Parenting styles had massive impacts on the recovery from, and more incredibly, the prevention of, child trafficking. In all the NGOs where I worked, family therapy was seen as the most important cornerstone of treatment. I took a step back to appreciate this truth: the relationship between a parent and child might defeat governments, economic recessions, culture, religion, and gender politics. 

So I realised, at 4am, that I wanted to write a book that explained how the parenting relationship can heal. Remembering my mantra, 'you are your child's safe space', I wanted to discuss how educating your child around the 'small t' traumas that happen every day can bolster your attachment relationship. You can grow together, to form an emotional bond where 'no emotion is a bad one' and 'no problem is just a small one'. When we can truly empathise with our child's experience, we remind them that we are a safe place for their feelings. Above all, that they are loved and fully accepted by us.

Of course, any parent will cause some degree of distress, anger or emotional pain to their child. But as one of child development's greatest theorists, Donald Winnicott, wrote: you don't have to be the best mother, you just have to be a 'good enough' mother, one who attempts to attend to her child's emotional needs. 

Before I became one myself, I imagined 'good enough' actually meant being emotionally available at all times, always responding with kindness, selflessness and positivity – as I would for a patient in a session. Then after two children I realised that intent is everything – if that intent is loving and positive, you are doing just fine. No mother has ever responded to their child with 'unconditional positive regard' (in Carl Rogers' terms) every single time. That's ok. We need to show our children our vulnerability and fallibility, in order to teach them how to accept their own.

Extract-express-reflect

Alongside the theory, I wanted an easy and practical toolkit for parents. So I have developed a simple three-step process similar to the psychological theory of 'debriefing'. I called it extract-express-reflect:

Extract: Get all the information of what the child heard and saw. It's important to get all the detail here and let the child fully express it. By accessing the narrative before it starts getting lost in the memory system we can help it to be stored correctly. Importantly, we can use some of this contextual information to help the child form a positive narrative of it for later recall.

Express: What do you feel about that? what was the worst thing about that? what did you feel in your body thinking about that? Here the goal is to connect the triggering stimuli to the emotion.

Reflect: Now is your teaching moment. Helplessness is often what governs traumatic response, so draw out anything in the incident that could be a 'positive agency' moment, e.g. something positive they did in response, or what others did.

Someone asked me what I want readers to take from my book. The answer came in a verse I saw from 13th century poet Rumi: 'Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there'. I want parents to know that to 'parent' is to say to your child, 'In all the chaos of you, wait for me, I am coming'.

How To Help Your Child Cope With Anything by Dr Alison McClymont, a Chartered Psychologist, is published by Orion Spring (Trade Paperback, £18.99).

The following is an extract from Chapter 9, with kind permission.

What is sibling rivalry?

Research suggests that sibling conflict occurs on average eight times an hour, and that sisters tend to be the closest, but sibling relationships that include a brother tend to develop the most aggression: early and middle years of childhood tend to see a spike in aggression with most tailing off somewhere towards adolescence. Sibling rivalry actually has a developmental cause – it helps children to assert themselves as unique and special and ultimately worthy of attention. Psychologists call this process 'differentiation' and believe it helps children to develop their own personalities, assert individual differences and understand how to establish boundaries around wants and needs. However, as any parent will tell you, this process of 'differentiation' doesn't always appear developmentally useful, or healthy – it can be one of the hardest challenges a parent faces.

Sibling rivalry is the squabbling and jealousy that can occur between siblings and usually happens as a result of:

• A need for attention from a parent

• A desire to get attention from one or all of their siblings

• A desire to maintain or gain power over the family dynamic

Why do children feel the need to compete for parental attention?

From babyhood, children recognise the adults in their life as necessary sources of survival – the adults provide food, warmth, shelter and love. The consideration of sharing this with another being feels alarming and scary; after all, very few of us would jump at the chance to halve our source of survival.

Now consider this for a moment: a first child knows what it is to have 100 per cent of a parent's attention without any competing child, a second child only knows a life where a parent's attention is halved or shared. Third and fourth children equally only know a life where this attention is divided even more. It is understandable then how subsequent children may grow up to understand that everything is a competition, and that first children may feel that everything is worth 'protecting'.

These suggestions also assume that the first child gets 100 per cent of a parent's attention 100 per cent of the time, which is highly unlikely. ! e parent has their own outside focuses – a relationship / marriage, work commitments, other family members, social commitments. The child may feel that the parent's world is a place of competing forces and that their time is a commodity to fight over.

Sibling rivalry for sibling attention

A less discussed form of sibling disruption / rivalry is actually a demand for a sibling's attention rather than a parent's. It is particularly common for a younger sibling, or a less socially mature sibling (such as a neurodiverse sibling) to demand attention form their brother / sister in a way that annoys them.

What does this look like?

• Hitting, scratching, biting a sibling

• Breaking toys or hiding them

• Deliberately annoying or irritating the sibling

• Ignoring the rules of a game and 'creating' an argument

• Playing a victim or blaming a sibling for upsetting them / leaving them out / not playing with them

What can you do about it?

• Encourage friendships and outlets outside of the sibling relationship so that the sibling relationship is not the only social exposure the younger sibling or the neurodiverse sibling has.

• Create an environment where the play space can be inclusive and easily shared; for example, place toys around that require two or more players. Try to include toys or a stimulus that all siblings can partake in, or at least all siblings can learn to partake in.

• Where possible off er a space for each sibling to have their own time and area, encourage each of them to respect space and privacy and explain that they need to be invited into spaces that are individual.

• Model good 'play language' – show siblings how to ask to join games, and to ask to be shown rules. Ask older siblings for ideas around how to include their younger sibling or their neurodiverse sibling.

• Having a set time of day where there are no screens and imaginative play is encouraged can be a wonderful container for encouraging play time together. ! is structure helps younger siblings feel they will get their turn, and also teaches older siblings that it is important to dedicate time to their sibling relationship.