ADHD and limerence

If you have ADHD, you probably know that relationships can feel like a whole new rodeo. Perhaps you're already dealing with impulsivity, emotional highs and lows, and hyperfocus. Add limerence – the all-consuming infatuation where you can't stop thinking about someone – and your life can be turned upside down. 

I have ADHD, but also work as a psychologist in private practice, coaching people who are Neurodivergent and dealing in other areas such as relationships. I only heard of limerence recently, but immediately it resonated with me. Here, I hope to share some learnings and tools around managing such emotions.

ADHD and limerence – a complicated combo

The term 'limerence' was coined by Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Tennov used it to describe the intense, obsessive feelings of infatuation that many people experience in attraction of a romantic nature. Instead of love feeling steady and mutual, limerence thrives on fantasy, uncertainty, and the emotional dopamine highs – and that's why it's especially overwhelming for people with ADHD. One client told me she fears love and falling in love, because she can't trust herself.  

If you live with ADHD, your brain thrives on novelty and stimulation, chasing the dopamine that it doesn't regulate in the prefrontal cortex for executive function. That's why limerence can feel so addictive – it's working with those reward centres in your brain. But that rush leads to challenges.

• Jumping in too fast

ADHD impulsivity means you most likely dive straight into a relationship without thinking things through. Maybe you admit your feelings prematurely, or start planning your future together in your mind before you've even had a conversation. It's exciting, but it has huge capacity to go wrong.

• Obsessing through hyperfocus

Ever find yourself replaying texts and voice notes or even imagining every possible scenario in your mind obsessively? That's ADHD hyper focusing, my friend. It can make you feel super-connected to someone, but it can also take over your thoughts and make it hard to focus on anything else, including your friends or family telling you to slow down.

• Big emotions, bigger reactions

ADHD can crank your emotions up to 10 very quickly. When you're in the highs of limerence, it feels euphoric, like you're on top of the world. But if things don't go the way you hoped – or if the other person doesn't feel the same way – it can hit you like a ton of bricks.            

• Rushing for answers

If you have ADHD you will know that your brain struggles with delayed gratification, and early relationships are all about waiting and uncertainty. That can make you push the relationship forward too quickly, looking for reassurance. As you can imagine, this can sometimes overwhelm new or potential partners. It's like your brain fills in the gaps.

• Overthinking everything

ADHD often comes with rejection sensitivity, where the slightest sign of disinterest can feel like a physical blow. This can make you second-guess everything: Why didn't they text back? Did I say something wrong? Are they losing interest? This is exhausting for anyone.

Living in this state of intense infatuation can throw everything out of balance. You might find yourself struggling to focus on work, study, or daily tasks because your mind keeps wandering back to the person you have developed Limerence for. Perhaps you go 'all in', ignoring usual hobbies, friends, or self-care because the relationship feels all-consuming. You might feel constantly emotionally drained from the ups and downs that your brain has conjured up, but also overwhelmingly happy when in contact with the person.  

So, how do you manage this?

It's not easy to untangle ADHD and limerence, but you can take steps to find balance. Here's how:

• Apply your brakes

Slow down! Be present, stick a post it note on your mirror saying that 'relationships take time to grow'. Read it every morning. Try not to make big decisions – like moving in together or declaring your undying love right away. I learnt that to my peril by jumping headlong into a marriage that I shouldn't have been in. He asked, I said yes, we divorced within three years of the marriage. How will you see any red flags, for example, if you are love blind?

• Set boundaries 

It's easy to get caught up in obsessive thoughts. Limit how much time you spend thinking about or talking about the person. Instead, redirect your energy into hobbies, work, or being with friends. In fact, don't even look for love until you have hobbies. Let your friends also be your guide to slowing down by hearing them if they say you are going too fast. It's what we do, but it doesn't mean its healthy. Don't deviate from seeing friends or from doing your hobbies when in a relationship – you need the balance, and the object of your affection needs the boundary of you not being constantly available.

• Stay present

Mindfulness can help you break the cycle of overthinking. When you notice your mind spiraling, take a deep breath and focus on the present moment. Journaling can also really help you to sort through your feelings. CBT or Cognitive behavioural Therapy can add to the mix with a simple 'is this fact or feeling?' When the brain takes over and starts creating unwarranted feelings, scenario or mood, try to stick to facts until you are more sure of the person and can trust yourself. Faulty thinking will get in the way constantly.  

• Talk it out

Therapy or ADHD coaching can be a game-changer. A therapist can help you understand why you're feeling this way and give you tools to manage emotional ups and downs, allowing you to just be you.

• Lean on your support system

Friends and family can help you keep perspective. When you're feeling overwhelmed or stuck in your own head, they can remind you to take a step back and breathe.

• Consider medication

If you're already taking medication for ADHD, it might be worth discussing with a doctor to see if it could help you stay grounded and manage impulsivity. 

Finding balance

Limerence and ADHD can make relationships feel utterly overwhelming and all-consuming – but with a little self-awareness and the right tools, you can find balance. The key is slowing down, focusing on your needs, and letting relationships grow naturally. Love doesn't have to be an emotional rollercoaster. It can be steady, fulfilling, and real.

And when you let yourself be peacefully and calmly in love, that's where the magic lives.

As for me, I have had a couple of years 'off' after jumping into a relationship too quickly and then leaving again as quickly! I have been getting to know me, outside of relationships. Working with people regularly to help them to understand how to get dopamine without the need to chase it – setting goals, checking in with yourself in new relationships and acknowledging things like red flags rather than stepping over them – has helped me to grow as a person. Every day is a learning opportunity. ADHD can be your downfall or your superpower; you just have to choose.  

• Find more about Caralyn and her consultancy.