10 secrets of happy neurodiverse couples…

Over the last decade, working with numerous neurodiverse [ND] couples has given me an insider's view on what makes these relationships tick. And now, I'm so happy to be able to take you inside the relationships of some of these amazing couples so that you too can see and experience the unique hardships and joys of ND relationships. My hope is that in getting the inside scoop on these well-kept secrets and strategies of these couples who so generously shared their experiences, numerous couples like you all over the world will read them and be inspired to try them for yourselves! In addition to all of the wisdom and resources that the couples revealed in their stories, I'm also including some shared themes, best practices, and must-do actions that I have distilled as I absorbed their perspectives. 

1. ACCEPT YOUR DIAGNOSIS AND TALK ABOUT IT OFTEN!

I got a formal diagnosis from Eva. I was diagnosed a year after getting married with ASD. We saw Eva pretty consistently for a few years then, on and off, after that. Mostly together, but some one-on one sessions. —Siddharth

Next year, it will be three years since I received my diagnosis. Once I was diagnosed

with ASD, it made all the sense in the world. It explained to me why my brain works like this. I was always aware of my thinking differently, but then it all made sense. Especially to my wife, it was like, "Oh that's why you did this, and that's why you behave this way and that." It was liberating in many ways. —Oscar

All of the ASD partners in each of the ten couples either self-identified or sought out an official diagnosis on their own initiative or with the support of their partners. Additionally, the NS partners who had ADHD or depression and anxiety or other health issues also acknowledged and accepted their struggles and actively worked to address them. Therefore, the number one trait that these successful ND couples have is identifying, accepting, and working on their issues regardless of what they are or how difficult it is.

Another important point to mention is that both partners accept the diagnosis and seem to discuss it often. I've often seen that when one person is in denial regarding the true cause of their relationship problems, they can often go around in a circle getting no traction as neither is able to address the issues at the root. Acknowledging ASD traits and deepening understanding around them truly helps both partners forgive each other's weaknesses as they're able to realize that their partner isn't hurting them intentionally and that the difficulties they're experiencing are due to bona fide neurological differences. Such discussions can often dissolve defensiveness, blaming, and resentment and couples can then work together to create the appropriate solutions for their unique situations.

2. LEAN ON YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

If there are some things you can't get from each other, try to find them outside of the relationship – and I don't mean sex or anything like that. I mean like, "Oh, I want to learn how to roller skate." Go do it with your girlfriend, and then come back home and love your husband. He doesn't have to do everything with you. Find people who will support you. —Mona

That's something that Viola's been helping me with. She makes sure I go to my friends' houses and makes sure I'm hanging out with them. She would be like, "Do you want to go to your friend's house tonight? You can do something; I can stay home." I need to build that skill of being social and having friends. She wanted to make sure I was being social. —Robbie

His parents are kind and always available to listen and be there. We have some good friends in our community who live close by and some far away. I've a close friend in Germany, and another in Florida who I also talk to weekly. Rajeev has his own set of friends and I do as well. And we're resourceful in terms of finding support when we need it…even if it's professional. —Amalia

In an intimate relationship, it can be tempting to expect one's partner to fulfill every need and desire. The reality, however, is that no partner – ASD or otherwise – can manage to fulfill all of our expectations. Healthy relationships require security in both proximity and distance. It's not a slight to the relationship to enjoy doing some things separately, it is in fact necessary.

Almost every couple in these stories had support from friends and family and a community they could rely on. And almost every partner took time for themselves to do things that rejuvenated and refreshed them. A relationship cannot be satisfying if either of the individuals is running on empty. So, create, select, and lean on your community, a special interest buddy, an arts class, or an exercise club as every relationship, ND or not, thrives in an ecosystem of support and interdependence!

Healthy friendships and support systems benefit the marriage. There is no shame in seeking additional input from wise sources. Reach out – select and build your support system. There are so many people who both love and care about you and often we don't know this because we don't want to reach out to them so as not to be a bother. And often, as we confide in others, we may find that it helps to not only deepen our friendships, but also allows the other person to be there for us. Feeling useful and supportive of others is deeply meaningful to most humans, if not all. It all evens out in the end, as support systems are often reciprocal and leaning on someone can often mean that they will trust you to support them in times of need – it's this mutual support that makes the world go round.

3. EMBRACE YOUR DIFFERENCES

I think the other thing that I really appreciate about our relationship is Leo's ability to help me see things differently. I don't know if I do the same thing for him, as this is one of our struggles with communication. But later – even if it's later that day or later the next week – I'm like, "Oh, I see what he was thinking now." So I am able to change my perspective on things. —Roy

We can just be silly together, and we can recognize our differences. Sometimes we hate the differences, but I think knowing our differences, and at the same time being silly together and having some fun moments has been good. —Siddharth

In all of the ten couples, both partners ASD and NS deeply appreciated what the other person brought to the table. They acknowledged that they had complementary strengths and weaknesses. Much of the discouraging literature about the failure rate of ND marriages focuses on the irreconcilable differences. You can see how the couples in this book use these differences to their advantage. They have open discussions about their challenges so that the negative qualities don't become a death sentence to the relationship through ignorance, silence, and inaction.

Again, I am suggesting that you work hard to see your partner's perspective. Focus on respectful communication; work on style, tone, or speed. Patient, repeated dialogue more often than not helps bridge differences. Appreciate the fact that neurodiversity much like biodiversity helps create a much more diverse and beautiful world or like in a painting, all of the hues work together to create a picture rich with emotion and visual interest. Similarly, in a relationship, neurological differences can be "hues" to be celebrated and enjoyed rather than erased so long as both partners also make efforts to minimize the negative impact of these differences.

4. HAVE A BEGINNER'S MINDSET

It's never boring. We're always dealing with new stuff, and I'm always discovering new things to obsess with. My wife, she's interested in more things too because of that. We're always learning from each other, and it's been fun. —Oscar

I feel some degree of neurodiversity is essential because then both partners can complement each other and cancel out at least some of their individual weaknesses. I think if I were to marry a non-ASD person, I would not grow as much, or become aware of myself (or my limitations) to the degree that I currently am. —Rajeev

I think there are some things like executive dysfunction that you have to learn about. That's not a thing that you're going to necessarily know how to approach until you've been in a situation with somebody who has those sorts of issues. I also think that a lot of things are not that different. I think the solution a lot of times is finding out how communication works between you two. —Autumn

One of the keys that leads to success in an ND relationship is maintaining the lifelong willingness to grow and learn for both the ASD and NS partners. Often, we unconsciously set out to achieve a state in life where growth is no longer required. We want to settle into a home we won't have to move from, a job where we know the ropes, and a marriage where we feel comfortable. But what we've seen from all ten of our trailblazer couples is that greater satisfaction is to be found by remaining a perpetual learner. 

Resetting ourselves to a beginner's mindset leaves the possibility for change within ourselves. By continually being in learning mode, a greater realization of our own limitations and abilities will unfold. This type of mindset helps us take responsibility for our own growth versus focusing on ways in which our partner isn't growing. And while it takes courage to allow our spouse to stretch us to greater levels of maturity and wisdom, the reward is pride and confidence in our own ability to facilitate change in our relationship by changing ourselves. Additionally, a growth mindset by both partners makes for lasting intimacy and an ever evolving connection.

5. FINE-TUNE YOUR PERSPECTIVE-TAKING SKILLS

But one thing that I've very much made my job is taking care of her. She's so busy taking care of the rest of us, but I make sure to take care of her. I try to make her the priority, try to watch out for what people can be doing to help her. —Oliver

Autumn is comforted by hugs and physical closeness. She often tells me she feels loved and cared for by physical touch, so we have to make sure that we have time to cuddle. I think it's also the physical things that I do. I try to make sure that when she says something, I write it down so I don't forget it. I try to accommodate her communication needs, even though they are very different from my communication needs. —Frankie

I think the other thing is the fact that she says that I should observe other couples and how they pay attention to each other even when they are independently socializing with other people in the same event. I guess I don't do that as well. I don't know how, but I try – I try to be more aware of it. —Siddharth

Chronic self-focus drains the life out of any relationship. This proclivity may be especially prominent in ND relationships, since the thinking patterns of individuals with ASD tend to revolve intensely around themselves. However, I've seen many an NS spouse having a difficult time detaching from their own interpretations of the relationship and validating their partner's autistic perspective.

The magic happens when both partners are willing to view the world through the eyes of their spouse. The result resembles a tranquil garden waterfall, which flows and flows but is never empty because it is also being filled at the same time. After all, who doesn't want to be heard and understood and have that reflected back to us. Even though developing perspective-taking and theory of mind can be challenging, with motivation and practice, it is possible to make small improvements over time. Mutual selflessness ultimately leads to mutual satisfaction. It is much more important for each partner to feel honored simply for who they are and what they need. So, fine-tune your perspective-taking skills, and this way of living will serve you well not only in your marriage or relationship, but in every relationship! Trust me.

6. STAY HUMBLE AND CURIOUS

Listen, I know this goes for a lot of relationships, but I think for ND relationships it's really, really important. A lot of things can be said or done and come off one way when they aren't meant to. So I think really knowing and getting the ASD partner's perspective is extremely important. —Camilla

One thing I feel like I'm good at is picking up on when someone seems upset, but I can also be very bad at it. So usually I ask, "Is everything okay? You seem a little sad." Overall though, I do think the one thing I'm good at noticing is when something seems a little off with someone, and then we can have a little discussion about it. —Oliver

Lack of curiosity can keep us from truly listening to our partner. If we assume we already know what they want or what they're about to say, we are neither curious nor humble. Instead, if we are interested in hearing our partner as they communicate their thought process and inner world, we will not only learn about them, but we might also learn more about the relationship as well. Understanding the relationship requires understanding each other.

Humble curiosity can be demonstrated during conversation. Slow down. Put your phone away. Assume an open body posture as you listen – relax, take a few deep breathes, uncross your arms, have a pleasant facial expression, and even lean forward a bit. These actions communicate your interest. As you listen, focus on what your spouse is saying, not on what you will say next. Respond with clarifying questions and validating comments: "So what I hear you saying is… Am I understanding? You're right about this. I hear your point. I never thought of it like that before." Learn to have constructive discussions. Learn to negotiate what you need from each other.

Remember, you're in a relationship with your partner because you find (or found) them attractive and intriguing. Continue to unveil the mystery and intrigue…who knows what you will discover as you listen with humble curiosity? It is not so much about who is "right," it's about who your partner is. And remember to incorporate points four and five into this one as well.

7. RELY ON TOOLS AND STRATEGIES THAT WORK

During the pandemic, I succeeded in starting and maintaining a meditation practice. This has helped me tremendously in connecting with Autumn, managing conflict, and dealing with Autumn's panic attacks. I am able to ground myself in the moment and not let my worry run away with me. I am able to be present to support and connect with Autumn. The practice also helps me manage my sensory difficulties. If I am feeling overwhelmed, I can take a few moments to center myself by focusing on internal sensations while letting external sensations come and go. —Frankie

Do the work. Do the reading. Read the books. Go to therapy, couples therapy if that works for you. If not, do it on your own, but do it. Forget about your expectations… That is something I have learned. Be brave. —Oscar

We chant this mantra "nam-myohorenge-kyo" and this has been a great tool to manage my anxiety, frustrations, and negative emotions, but recently I also got on anti-depressants, and ADD meds. All baby doses – and I use marijuana on occasion as well, but the Buddhist practice helps a lot. —Amalia

As you can see from so many of these stories, these couples are willing to engage in ASD-informed cooperative problem-solving, and they often arrive at solutions that are satisfactory to both individuals. It may not look normal, but it meets the needs of both parties. This probably depends on whether a person's priority is to stay stuck in their own ways versus learning to be flexible and do whatever it takes to maintain a healthy relational connection.

Resolving your ND differences is crucial to the success of your relationship, so seek out the tools and strategies that work for you. Experiment with the best practices in this book. Learn from other successful couples. Things like reading ASD books and learning coping strategies, meditation practices, looking into medications if needed, negotiating the best solutions for both of you when problems arise – these are all the hallmarks of couples in happy ND relationships. Take notes in couples therapy and implement the tools and strategies you come up with in those sessions.

8. SCHEDULE FUN AND DO IT OFTEN!

We've been to places I never thought I'd be able to go, being a poor kid from Montana. She always wears these fancy glasses, and she does that because that's her personality. It's always an adventure with her… She's such a breath of fresh air. I don't think we've done the same thing twice in a row, ever. —Tom

I love that we can have companionable silence together, or have long conversations about theology, or sing in the car for hours. I love nerding out with her about our favorite fictional characters, learning new things together, praying together, cuddling on the couch and watching Star Trek. —Ellie

All too often, long-term relationships (ND or otherwise) turn into drudgery, but the  couples in this book demonstrate that scheduling fun is necessary in order to thrive in any relationship. Fortunately, the only aspect that needs to change is our attitude!

Instead of viewing differences as obstacles to be overcome, accept them as adventures to explore together. We've all heard that "opposites attract." I believe that the opposite aspects of each person are actually the invitations to adventure. Let your partner's interests influence you and you might just discover new aspects of both of you.

And pick new activities to do together and do them often. Take turns picking out something to do that's on your bucket list and do it. I often find that the couples who are most in trouble are the ones not spending any time with each other and certainly those who don't schedule fun. There's a reason why couples bond and fall in love so easily on TV dating shows, it's because they are busy going on adventures over the course of  filming which is the fastest way to help people bond and fall in love! So, make sure you schedule time to have fun together. These experiences can be hobbies, movies, board games, or day trips. Fun can be easily accessible adventures such as a picnic lunch on a grassy patch or even a simple walk around the block. Don't get going so fast on the treadmill of life, compulsively fixating on chores and doing tasks, that you forget to rest in the quiet places that exist and are already beautiful.

9. SEEK OUT ASD-SPECIFIC COUPLES COUNSELING

I think without counseling, it wouldn't have worked. I felt like such a bad partner because I would get so frustrated. But I feel validated every time I go. It affirms that Robbie's not toxic, I'm not toxic, there's just a communication difference. —Viola

I was initially quite reluctant when Amalia suggested we see one. But I gave in finally and yes, now we see one regularly. I find it quite useful because it allows me to voice my opinions without the feeling that I will be judged. I also have someone who can listen to my point of view and give me suggestions on how I can improve my behavior or communication with my partner. And it also lets me vent off steam. —Rajeev

Yes, we've pursued couples counseling. Yes, it's been useful. It helped me connect my meditation practice and the skills I was learning in that practice to my relationship with Autumn. It provided a safe space for us to discuss the difficulties that either of us might not have raised on our own. —Frankie

Nine out of ten couples have been to or are currently in couples counseling, getting a diagnosis and pursuing marital counseling within the first few years of the relationship or marriage. If there are repeated, seemingly unresolvable disconnects that are causing pain in your relationship, a counselor can be an irreplaceable asset in teasing out what the crux of the problem is and then working out possible solutions. Often, just having a couples counsellor in the room helps a couple to have the dedicated time to focus and work on the relationship which otherwise may not happen, much like getting out of the house and going to an exercise class, working with a personal trainer, and signing up for a gym membership are sure-fire ways to add physical activity to our lives as they give us the accountability to actually show up!

Most importantly, be sure to find a couples counselor who is ASD informed, as we've learnt from our couples that this is the type of counsel that has proven to be the most constructive to them and working with someone who doesn't understand ASD can even be harmful. Additionally, and this may sound controversial to some, I've found that when people try to use individual counselling to problem-solve or even vent about marital issues, it's a recipe for disaster. Often the autistic partner may not have the perspective-taking skills to fully inform the individual counselor regarding what's truly going on in the ND relationship, so expecting them to work on the marriage through the process of individual counseling can be rather challenging. Stick to couples counseling instead.

To sum up, when you need help, don't go at it alone. Find an ASD specific couples counselor. It may just transform your whole relationship, as I've seen happen over and over again!

10. EMPHASIZE A CULTURE OF ADMIRATION AND GRATITUDE

We're a good team. I rely a lot on him. He tends to ground me and helps me settle down. We make decisions together. He's a good person. Loyal, emotionally tough. I'm grateful. —Amalia

The final relationship-saving secret may be the most powerful of them all. If you want to be a part of this group of successful and happy ND couples, make sure you demonstrate your appreciation for your partner and practice gratitude on a daily basis. Identifying what you love and admire about your partner can breathe fresh life into your marriage! You are in this relationship because you were drawn to this person naturally and freely. What is it about them that inspired you, brought you joy, made you roar with laughter?  It's easy and natural to nitpick and focus on our partner's flaws. It's human nature even or why would the divorce rate be 50 percent?

So what do all of these successful couples have in common? They realize that they can't take their partner for granted, and they focus and magnify their partner's positive qualities. They ignore their partner's limitations or focus on concrete strategies to create solutions. With a focus on the positive and by cultivating gratitude for their partners, their relationships truly exude a culture of mutual admiration. This way, each partner in the couple feels like they lucked out with the other! Over time, this kind of a mindset and daily practice fosters genuine trust and mutual support. With that kind of united bond, a couple can go far and create a beautiful relationship and push through long periods of discontent and disconnect.

So don't be discouraged by statistics that refer to any external characteristic – whether that be autism, race, family background, sexual orientation, gender identity, or financial status – as the determining factor in relational success. As you can see from our star ND couples, the quality of emphasizing the positive and having a self-growth mindset is what makes the ultimate difference.

Have you found a gem of a person with a heart of gold, who happens to be on the spectrum? Congratulations! Let your love story begin… after all, a relationship can reset and flourish at any point as long as the people in it are able to embrace fresh perspectives and modes of interaction thereby forging a path anew.

Eva Mendes, LMHC, NCC, is a couples' counselor who works with couples where one or both partners have Asperger syndrome and are on the autism spectrum.

Armchair Conversations on Love and Autism: Secrets of Happy Neurodiverse Couples is published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers.