10 lessons of psychological richness

Before Jon Stewart's Daily Show, there was David Letterman's Late Show. I loved his quirky sense of humor. My favorite was his Top 10 list. So, in the spirit of playfulness, I end my book with my own Top 10 list. 

#10. Life Without Regrets

Later in life, people tend to regret the thing they could have done but didn't: taking someone up on a job offer, not moving to Boston when given the chance, not going back to school, or not having a child. In our 2020 study, roughly one third of participants said that if they could undo their biggest regret, it would have made their lives happier. The other one third said it would have made their lives more meaningful, and the last third said it would have made their lives psychologically richer. When faced with a question of "Should I stay or should I go?" ask yourself this question: "Would I regret if I stayed?"

#9. Freedom Over Security

In an essay in the New York Times Magazine, poet Ada Calhoun recalls how her parents often told her growing up that "most choices could be boiled down to security or freedom," and that "it was always better to choose freedom." She followed her parents' advice: she chose a job that allowed her more freedom, even though she hasn't had benefits in twelve years, and she chose to have a baby despite having no childcare plan. She now feels that "there is no greater security than being out on the right limb, with the right voice in your head." Ultimately, being able to choose freedom over security is key to a psychologically rich life. 

#8. Don't Be a Specialist, Be a Generalist

Most of us live in a highly specialized world with a meticulous division of labor. Professionally, specialization often leads to success. But remember that too much specialization pushes you to be narrow without you really knowing it. In life, try to be a generalist and stay curious. Do-it-yourself once in a while. 

#7. "Take a Dozen"

Both pigeons and humans don't explore enough. Remember the insight of the "take a dozen" heuristic and try to explore at least 12 potential mates, apartments, and restaurants before you settle down. What's more, science tells us we underestimate the joy of social exploration. Familiarity breeds a fuzzy, comfortable feeling, especially when you are in a new environment. We avoid trying new things or saying hello to strangers in part because familiar things are so powerfully attractive. Remember this bias, and you can overcome it. 

#6. Find Richness in the Familiar

But, if you are a Daniel Plainview ("I want to earn enough money, so I can get away from everyone") or a Eugene Levy ("I really like familiarity"), you might try to find richness in the familiar. Revisit a favorite band, author, book, film, or person, and you will find something new.

#5. Don't be Afraid of Negative Events

Many of us fall into the happiness trap and try to avoid negative events. It's OK to fail here and there; it's OK to feel negative emotions now and then. Natural disasters happen. You get sick. Remember Nietzsche. These challenges will make you wiser. When happiness seems out of reach, you can still acquire psychological richness. 

#4. Write and Tell

Richness comes from the accumulation of interesting stories. It's important to remember them, and writing is an excellent way to do it. Telling a story is also a great way to remember. As you write and tell, you can edit your story. Keep the bad stuff but use it as a springboard for growth. Just as wealth can be transferred across generations and help the next generation become materially rich, your stories can be transferred to the next generation and help them become psychologically rich.

#3. Be Spontaneous

We live at a highly scheduled time. Most of us need an appointment to hang out with our friends. Next time you are bored, text your friends to see if they are free. You never know. 

#2. Be Playful!

We all have a lot of obligations, from doing the dishes to filing our taxes. When we are so focused on getting things done, many things – especially enjoyable experiences, like reading a novel – appear to be a waste of time. Yet it is in playful moments and detours from routine that we may discover something unexpected, learn something new, and gain new insight into our goals. 

#1. Just Do It!

Beyond important life decisions, a mindset of psychological richness can help us make small, everyday decisions, too. Should I go to a new exhibition or stay home? Should I go on a hike? If you are the type of person who likes to stay within your comfort zone, then I suggest you take a chance and try something new – just do it! On days when people did something new, they felt that the day was psychologically richer, as well as happier and more meaningful.

In the poem entitled Ed, Louis Simpson introduces his title character Ed as a young man in love with a waitress named Doreen. His family and friends did not approve. So, instead he married another woman. But, years later, his wife left Ed. Ed complained to his friends and family that he should have married Doreen. The family and friends replied, "Well, why didn't you?" So here are my last words to you, borrowing Louis Simpson's: "Well, why don't you?"

Life in Three Dimensions: How Curiosity, Exploration and Experience Make a Fuller, Better Life by Shigehiro Oishi is published by Torva on 06 February. 

Photo: Courtesy of Shigehiro Oishi