More gardener than goddess

Mindful New Mum: A Mind-Body Approach to the Highs and Lows of Motherhood

Author: Dr Caroline Boyd (@_drboyd)
Published by: Dorling Kindersley

"You do not solve the problem or question of motherhood. You enter, at whatever risk, into its space." Jacqueline Rose

For modern mothers, I would argue that alongside joy and wonder, there are particular, insidious risks involved in this life-changing transition. We have evolved to raise children in extended groups – yet in Western, individualistic cultures, isolation creates stress for women shouldering the burden alone. To speak to the first part of Jacqueline Rose's quote, pressure to mother the 'right' way is crushing women.

The negative consequences of these risks are reflected in the statistics: around one in five new mothers experience mood difficulties such as 'postnatal depression'(PND) and anxiety. Maternal suicide remains the leading cause of direct death in the first year postpartum. There remains a more than four-fold difference in overall mortality rates among Black women and an almost two-fold difference among Asian women, compared with white women (MBRRACE-UK, 2021).

Within this abnormal cultural context, I wanted to write a book supporting mothers through the vast physical, psycho-spiritual and social changes occurring in the process of becoming a mother. As psychiatrist Daniel Stern acknowledged, giving birth to a new identity can be as demanding as birthing a baby. I acknowledge my own contexts influencing the writing of my book, as a white, privileged, clinical psychologist, researcher, and mother-of-two. I have included ideas drawn from my clinical practice, doctoral research, and personal experience as a parent.

Maternal suicide remains the leading cause of direct death in the first year postpartum.

A central theme underpinning Mindful New Mum is understanding this developmental process through the lens of 'matrescence'. The term, coined by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael (1975), was popularised by perinatal psychiatrist Dr Alexandra Sacks and extended through Dr Aurelie Athan's work (e.g. Athan & Reel, 2015). Unlike traditional models focused heavily on child outcomes, matrescence places the mother at the heart, offering a language and framework for women navigating their own bio-psycho-social-spiritual shift. Matrescence compares the process of becoming a mother to the huge changes arising in adolescence. Just as teenagers navigate emotionally turbulent waters, so too do new mums through significant brain, body, identity, relational and, for many, economic changes.

Cultural 'fantasy'

Viewing motherhood from this perspective engenders a more holistic picture emphasising personal growth. Motherhood has been socially constructed in variously reductive ways, such as through the maternal 'instinct' discourse. This is the idea that a woman's biological capacity to mother grants her instinctual power to bear and bring up children. The current biomedical framework views motherhood through a risk-focused lens, whereby medical regulation and control of the pregnant body/ container continues postpartum, leading to pathologisation of new mothers' distress (Ussher, 2006). Within the prevailing medical discourse shaped by patriarchy, motherhood retains a mythical and powerful status, constructed as 'natural', blissful and desirable. This pervasive myth, internalised by women from an early age, has us believe we must be 'Supermum, Superwife, Supereverything' (Choi et al., 2015). 

Research shows that first-time mothers who struggle most are those whose internalised idealised representations of a 'good' mother do not fit their perception of themselves (Breen, 1975). I observe this in my clinical work: pressure to live up to the cultural 'fantasy' mother construction of the calm, coping woman leads to self-surveillance, self-silencing for fear of being 'found out', and self-punishment for a mother's perceived failure. A further paradox compounding maternal stress is that while mythic notions glorify motherhood, it retains low social status. Women's liberation movements highlighted the oppressive nature of a mother's role, recently reinforced through the pandemic (Power, 2020).

Meanwhile, matrescence invites alternative discourses of mothering as potentially empowering and transformative, providing opportunity for self-discovery and integration of an authentic self (e.g. Athan & Miller, 2013). This is a complex process, shaped by a woman's intersecting contexts such as quality of support, cultural expectations, childhood experiences, trauma, adversity, difficulties conceiving, baby loss, and experiences of feeling 'othered' (for example, related to race, class and sexuality). A thread running through my book emphasises the mother (or primary caregiver) taking care of her mind and body, for the sake of her baby's wellbeing and her own. This is not to say that fathers and partners are not impacted by the transition, but mothers experiencing hormonal and neurobiological changes face specific challenges in the first year.

Shaken snow globe

Abundant research shows parenting to be a key determinant of attachment security (Fonagy & Allison, 2013). The mother's capacity for reflective function – to understand how her baby's intentions and emotions influence behaviour – are thought to relate to both secure attachment and mentalisation in the child (Sharp et al., 2006). As a model understood to enhance both attachment security and mentalisation, I draw on mindful parenting (Kabat-Zinn & Kabat-Zinn, 2014), which has been found to reduce parenting stress, with parents reporting better relationships with their children (Kabat-Zinn, 2003). 

As a mother adjusts, there is a unique opportunity for growth as she re-evaluates old stories and patterns that no longer serve her.

For example, one mindfulness group training for mothers and babies, which was linked with greater wellbeing, self-compassion and confidence, supported women to respond to their own needs as well as those of their infants (Potharst et al., 2017). I find the aeroplane oxygen mask analogy helpful here: just as a mother needs to apply her own mask first, she must also learn to soothe herself before she can soothe her baby. With the birth of a new baby, women can feel shaken up like a snow globe. Up in the air go pre-baby identities, emotions and relationships. As a mother adjusts, there is a unique opportunity for growth as she re-evaluates old stories and patterns that no longer serve her. Understanding the challenges of matrescence normalises and validates the intense emotions new mothers may feel. Some examples are highlighted below.

1) The social

Community breakdown and disintegration of the extended family has increased maternal isolation. We know reduced social support contributes to 'PND'. Having a baby can trigger vulnerability in a mother, who brings her own (often unconscious) ideas, stories, hopes and expectations. This can be compounded by notions of 'Supermum', creating the idea that mothers ought to know. The fantasy silences women – who fear that sharing their feelings honestly will lead to being judged a 'bad' or unfit mother, or worse, having their baby taken away. Yet transformation occurs in relationship with others: the ability to learn and grow as a mother depends on how safe and supported she feels.

I encourage help-seeking in my book, whether this is enlisting helpers for tasks such as washing and cooking, or accessing professional help for struggles, be they relational, physical or breast-feeding related. By outlining emotional difficulties mothers can struggle with, I encourage women to self-advocate with the message that getting help shows strength and a commitment to improving things for their family.

A new baby also impacts the couple relationship. Short exercises invite couples to create space for mindful conversations, emphasising empathetic listening rather than problem-solving. Given that 'ghosts in the nursery' can intrude, couples are invited to engage in an 'appreciative enquiry' (Haydon-Laurelut, 2016). This guides them to reflect together on their own experiences of being parented, and, based on patterns they may wish to reject or replicate, to co-create their own scripts (Byng-Hall, 1988).

2) The physical

Creating and birthing a baby places extraordinary demands on a woman's body. Significant hormonal fluctuations, stress, sleep deprivation, potential birth injury and breast-feeding difficulties, can increase risk of postnatal depletion (Serrallach, 2018). In Western culture, the expectation is for adjustment post-birth to be quick and seamless. Women feel pressure to 'bounce back' effortlessly and unsupported. However, our ancestors raised children in groups. New mothers learnt from their elders, drawing on their wisdom and support, an approach that continues today in collectivist cultures (Ou, 2016). These cultures emphasise maternal recuperation, nourishing new mothers with nutrient-dense foods. Similarly, I include nutritional tips, based on different stages postpartum, along with natural remedies that, historically, would have been passed down by grandmothers living close by. Such Eastern rituals may also be constraining, however nurturing the mother is arguably preferable to the 'rigid disciplines of Western stoicism' leaving postpartum women feeling weak, isolated and inadequate (Figes, 2008).

3) The neurobiological

Emerging magnetic resonance studies suggest that first-time mothers undergo shifts in the brain during pregnancy, lasting at least two years postpartum (Barba-Muller et al., 2019, Hoekzema, 2017). Affected brain regions are associated with theory of mind, the ability to empathise and understand another's perspective. These changes are understood to prepare a mother to recognise her baby's needs: to respond to her baby sensitively and to perceived threats. Structural brain changes in pregnancy significantly predicted measures of postpartum maternal attachment, indicating an adaptive process as part of the transition. Evidence of maternal neural plasticity serves to normalise the intense desire many new mothers feel, often experienced as anxiety, to protect their new baby, and feelings of overwhelm in adjusting to the sheer responsibility.

4) The psychological

Unlike the calm, coping fantasy mother who must suppress her true feelings, matrescence acknowledges the complex kaleidoscope of emotions that arise. Maternal ambivalence has been described as the push and pull: feeling pulled towards the baby and also wanting to move away to focus on other identities, yearning for emotional and physical space (Parker, 1995; Sacks, 2018). Writer Adrienne Rich describes the intense inner turmoil: 'The excitation of long-buried feelings about one's own mother, the sense of confused sense of power and powerlessness, of being taken over on the one hand and of touching new potentialities on the other, a heightened sensibility which can be exhilarating, bewildering and exhausting.'

Unwanted, infant-related thoughts of harm, the focus of my published research, are a useful example illustrating how common 'negative' thoughts and feelings are among mothers, yet remain taboo (Boyd & Gannon, 2019). Studies show that around one in two women experience disturbing, intrusive thoughts, images and urges to intentionally harm their baby, evoking feelings of horror, guilt and shame. However, the very fact mothers feel ashamed or horrified is a strong sign that they're not going to hurt their baby. Reassuring new research, which assessed 388 Canadian mothers from a dataset of 763 post-partum women, shows that women experiencing these vivid visions are non-significantly, slightly less likely to hurt their babies (Fairbrother, 2022).

It's the meaning that we draw from these upsetting visions that gives them power. Women interpreting them to mean they are a 'bad' mother increases their frequency and severity, making them harder to dismiss. Some women may develop obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), arising or intensifying in pregnancy. As many as 17 per cent of participants were diagnosed with OCD in Fairbrother's research. With the cultural fantasy looming large, experiencing darker thoughts in mothering comes with high emotional costs. In my book I offer understanding around unwanted, intrusive thoughts and evidence-based strategies to cope, with the hope of validating experiences to reduce feelings of shame and failure.

Good enough mothering and repair

I draw on Wilfred Bion's idea of containment to show what the process of emotional and physical 'holding' looks like for the baby, and the importance of separating out which feelings 'belong' to the mother and which to her baby. This capacity to mentalise both for oneself and another is mediated by empathy. I use Paul Gilbert's adapted Three Circle model of emotions to increase evolutionary understanding around our 'tricky' brains, with practical meditations and visualisations encouraging mothers to connect to their soothing system. Readers are supported to notice their own emotions with kindness – and tolerate them without self-blame. To move towards self-acceptance as a 'good enough' mother (Winnicott, 1971).

This more complex, multi-faceted version is more of a gardener than a goddess, nourishing and sustaining her baby through gentle, attentive care and offering a secure base. She also has limits, feels conflicted and makes mistakes – understanding that what is crucial is not getting it 'right' but a good enough repair. Microanalysis shows that even the most attuned mothers only get it 'right' – by tuning in and responding sensitively and contingently to meet their baby's needs – around 30 per cent of the time (Tronick, 1989).

Developing moment-to-moment awareness of her own rich, inner emotional world provides fertile soil for this mother to cultivate a kinder relationship with herself, away from striving for perfection and control. Mindfully connecting with self-compassion enhances all connections: to her values and preferred identities, her baby, other relationships, and the world around her. This deeper self-knowing allows her to bloom as a mother, in line with her authentic self. To feel more confident to 'be' rather than 'do', with enhanced capacity to soothe herself and in turn her baby, equipping her to weather the inevitable storms of parenting as they arise.

Key sources

Athan, A. M., & Miller, L. (2013). Motherhood as opportunity to learn spiritual values: Experiences and insights of new mothers. Journal of Prenatal & Perinatal Psychology & Health, 27(4).

Athan, A., & Reel, H. L. (2015). Maternal psychology: Reflections on the 20th anniversary of Deconstructing Developmental Psychology. Feminism & Psychology, 25(3), 311-325.

Barba-Müller, E., Craddock, S., Carmona, S., & Hoekzema, E. (2019). Brain plasticity in pregnancy and the postpartum period: links to maternal caregiving and mental health. Archives of women's mental health, 22(2), 289-299.

Bion, W. R. (1962). A theory of thinking. London: Routledge.

Boyd, C., & Gannon, K. (2019, October). How do new/recent mothers experience unwanted thoughts of harm related to their new-born? A thematic analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 37, (5).

Breen, D. (1975). The birth of a first child: Towards an understanding of femininity. London: Tavistock publications.

Byng,Hall, J. (1988). Scripts and legends in families and family therapy. Family process, 27(2), 167-179.

Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. 

Fairbrother, N., Collardeau, F., Albert, A. Y., Challacombe, F. L., Thordarson, D. S., Woody, S. R., & Janssen, P. A. (2021). High prevalence and incidence of obsessive-compulsive disorder among women across pregnancy and the postpartum. The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 82(2), 30368.

Fairbrother, N., Collardeau, F., Woody, S. R., Wolfe, D. A., & Fawcett, J. M. (2022). Postpartum thoughts of infant-related harm and obsessive-compulsive disorder: relation to maternal physical aggression toward the infant. The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 83(2), 39944.

Figes, K. (2008). Life after birth (New update). London: Virago.

Fonagy. P. & Allison. E. (2013). 'What is Mentalization? The Concept and its Foundations in Developmental Research', Minding the Child, Routledge. pp25–48.

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Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). "Mindfulness-based Interventions in Context: Past, Present, and Future", Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 10, (2), pp144–156.

Kabat-Zinn, J. & Kabat-Zinn, M. (2014). Everyday Blessings: Mindfulness for Parents, Piatkus.

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Haydon-Laurelut, M. (2016). 'Systemic Therapy and Autistic Spectrum Conditions', Context: The Magazine for Family Therapy and Systemic Practice 144, pp18–20.

Hoekzema, E., Barba-Müller, E., Pozzobon, C., Picado, M., Lucco, F., Garcia-Garcia, D., Soliva, J. C., Tobena, A., Desco, M., Crone, E. A., Ballesteros, A., Carmona, S., Vilarroya, O. (2017) Pregnancy leads to long-lasting changes in human brain structure. Nat Neurosci 20:287–296

Ou, H., Greeven, A., & Belger, M. (2016). The first forty days: The essential art of nourishing the new mother. Abrams.

Parker, R. (1995). Torn in two: Mothering and ambivalence. London: Virago.

Potharst, E. S., Aktar, E., Rexwinkel, M., Rigterink, M., & Bögels, S. M. (2017). Mindful with your baby: Feasibility, acceptability, and effects of a mindful parenting group training for mothers and their babies in a mental health context. Mindfulness, 8(5), 1236-1250.

Power, K. (2020). The COVID-19 pandemic has increased the care burden of women and families. Sustainability: Science, Practice and Policy, 16 (1), 67-73.

Raphael, D. (1975) Matrescence, becoming a mother, a 'new/old' rite de passage. In: Raphael, D. (ed.) Being female: Reproduction, power and change, The Hague: Mouton, pp. 65–71.

Rose, J. (2019). Mothers: An essay on love and cruelty. Faber & Faber.

Sacks, A. "A New Way to Think about the Transition to Motherhood", TED [web video], May 2018, 

Serrallach, O. (2018). The Postnatal Depletion Cure: A complete guide to rebuilding your health and reclaiming your energy for mothers of newborns, toddlers and young children. Hachette UK.

Sharp, C., Fonagy, P., & Goodyer, I. M. (2006). Imagining your child's mind: Psychosocial adjustment and mothers' ability to predict their children's attributional response styles. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 24(1), 197-214.

Tronick, E, Z. (1989). Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants. American Psychologist, 44, (2), pp112–119.

Ussher, J. (2006). Managing the monstrous feminine : regulating the reproductive body. New York, NY: Routledge.

Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and reality. London: Tavistock Publications.