Self-compassion: What it is and why it is important

Are you self-compassionate?

How do you talk to yourself in difficult times? Do you treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a friend? To have self-compassion means to treat ourselves in the same warm, kind, and empathic way we would treat a friend. Self-compassion, for some, comes naturally, while others view it as a sign of weakness or self-indulgence. However, self-compassion is a valuable tool for improving our wellbeing. The good news is that it is a skill which can be learned and practised at any stage of life, with life-changing benefits.

Deep dive into self-compassion

Kindness vs judgement

To better understand the construct of self-compassion, let us review its dimensions in pairs of opposites. First, we find kindness towards ourselves instead of being overly critical and judgemental. Usually, when a friend fails an exam, we try to comfort them, telling them that it does not define their intelligence or knowledge. We encourage them, saying they tried their best and we are proud of them. We try to move their focus to a solution (e.g. a resit exam), and we try to hear them out, be there for them, and support them. When something similar happens to us, more often than not, we tend to be harsh on ourselves. We think we did not try hard enough and were not even smart enough to take the exam in the first place. 

Someone with self-compassion would be able to acknowledge their effort and tell themselves that it feels hard and awful now, but it does not mean they will never succeed again. They let themselves take a break and rest rather than punish themselves for the mishap. Kindness or judgment towards oneself is the person's emotional response to suffering.

Common humanity vs isolation

Common humanity or human experience instead of isolation is another dimension of self-compassion. In our previous example, the person who lacks self-compassion might forget that others can feel similarly and undergo the same challenges and suffering. This could lead to disconnection from others and a sense of loneliness in one's painful experience.

 A self-compassionate person may think that others have also failed an exam at some point and relate with them. Sharing one's experience with people who can understand it empathically can help share the burden of the pain, alleviate the sense of suffering, and help them bounce back from adversity, building on their resilience. 

However, I would like to note that one can lack self-compassion, but instead of feeling that nobody else relates to what they are going through, they feel like everyone else's problems are more important, more severe, and therefore more worthy of support than their own. This is also a reason that could potentially lead to disengagement from relationships. Common humanity is about cognitively making sense of our suffering and understanding it in a broader context and in relation to others.

Mindfulness vs overidentification

Finally, we have the last pair, mindfulness versus overidentification. Self-compassionless people will not just think they have failed an exam. They might feel like they are a failure, thus overgeneralising and overidentifying with the painful emotion. It can then be difficult to separate the reality of the event, what factually happened, and what emotions the experience evoked from how the person identifies after such an experience. 

Potentially, they could use a negative experience to reconfirm pre-existing self-beliefs, like "I am a failure, I am worthless, and failing this exam reinforces this belief."  The self-compassionate person acknowledges their feelings about the situation, e.g. "I am feeling sad and disappointed'" and stays with their emotions. They are not trying to avoid or suppress their feelings but process and cope with them in a warm and self-nurturing way. With mindfulness, we pay attention to how we feel and accept those feelings without judgment.

After all, self-compassion allows us to accept our vulnerabilities, which can influence how we expose them in relation to others and how we connect with others. Additionally, we choose to forgive instead of shaming ourselves when we make mistakes and learn from them. We become less anxious, less avoidant, and more optimistic and move towards a well-deserved healthy mindset. 

Reflecting upon my journey towards self-compassion

Frequently reflecting on my academic experiences has helped me make sense of them and process challenging situations. Indeed, often, it was hard to maintain a self-compassionate mindset. When I was under pressure and stress, there was no space for kindness towards myself, and allowing time for breaks felt like an undeserving indulgence.

Following my default path of self-judgement, harsh criticality, and rigidity only exacerbated the effects of stress and reinforced negative beliefs about my worth and capabilities. A self-compassionless way of living does not allow space for mistakes. Eventually, it has repercussions for one's wellbeing, both mentally and physically, as I have learned the hard way. 

To get out of this vicious cycle, I had to first identify the problem. Becoming aware of the concept of self-compassion, and its importance for a balanced life, started changing my perspective. Additionally, allowing myself to communicate my issues and receive support shifted my narrow viewpoint to a broader, more insightful, and meaningful self-perception. 

Quite often, I have an inner dialogue to reason with the part of myself that always wants me to be busy and productive without ever acknowledging my limitations, needs, and wants. Abandoning the idea that self-worth derives from continuous productivity, hard work, and excellent results was the first step towards acting kindly towards myself. Self-compassion still does not come naturally, but with consistent and persistent practice, I can start to feel its positive effects not only in my academic performance but generally in my life.

Take-home message

Self-compassion is essential to one's wellbeing, both for one's physical and mental health. It is not a weakness; it is not selfish, but quite the opposite. It is a strength; it helps build resilience, enhances self-awareness, leads to self-acceptance, promotes overall wellbeing, and can be a motivational force to carry one through life's rough patches. Those who did not grow up in an environment that facilitated self-compassionate development should not lose hope, for this skill can be learned. Those who need more guidance can access it in a safe, therapeutic relationship under the compassion-focused therapy framework. 

Further Reading

Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2022). 'You and I both: Self-compassion reduces self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability'. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(7), 1054-1067. https://10.1177/01461672211031080

Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion-focused therapy: Distinctive features (1st ed.). Routledge. https://10.4324/9780203851197

Neff, K. D. (2023). 'Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention'. Annual Review of Psychology, 74(74), 193-218. https://10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047