Highly sensitive people (HSP), it's time for us to set up some boundaries!

Are you aware of your unique gifts as a highly sensitive individual? Highly sensitive individuals possess a remarkable set of qualities that are often underappreciated. From an early age, many of us display remarkable qualities, such as being exceptional listeners and possessing an innate capacity for empathy and understanding.

One of the standout attributes of highly sensitive individuals is their deep sense of empathy. These natural talents often lead to others seeking our guidance and comfort in times of need. Yet, there may be instances when, in conversations with certain individuals, our empathetic connection causes them to unwittingly absorb our emotional energy and drain our energy like emotional sponges. These qualities are like double-edged swords; while they allow us to form meaningful connections, they can also make us vulnerable to emotional exhaustion.

Projective identification

To illustrate this concept, imagine playing a board game where each player has a set of inventory items, and for highly sensitive individuals, one of those items is the "emotional receptor", or "emotional bin". When someone shares their emotions with us, we tend to absorb those feelings into ourselves. For instance, someone might project their negative emotions, such as jealousy, anger or insecurity, onto us in an attempt to alleviate their discomfort. As highly sensitive people, absorbing these projections can lead to feelings of inferiority and shame. In psychoanalysis, this process is referred to as "projective identification," making it challenging to discern which emotions belong to others and which belong to us, ultimately leading to self-dissatisfaction, or "emotional damage". 

Have you ever reflected on the emotional wounds you may have suffered in your interactions with others? It's crucial for highly sensitive individuals to reflect on the emotional scars that can result from interactions with others. Perhaps the other person was merely venting their frustrations with life, or maybe this unhealthy communication pattern was a long-standing habit of theirs. However, as emotional receptacles, we often fail to recognise when our boundaries have been crossed (or potentially we don't even have any!). By the time we realise it, we may have endured psychological harm and accumulated trauma, resulting in significant inner conflict. 

Emotional boundaries

Therefore, it is essential for highly sensitive individuals to establish and maintain emotional boundaries. Only by tending to our authentic emotional needs can we fully harness our talents and savour the joys of life. If someone crosses our boundaries or makes us uncomfortable, it's crucial to promptly recognise their behaviour without rationalising it or downplaying our own pain. Instead, adopt the role of a kind and objective observer.

As Highly sensitive people (HSPs), you might worry about feeling anger (or embarrassment) in such situations, but when someone violates or crosses your boundaries, anger is a perfectly normal response. Anger serves as a signal, urging you to defend your boundaries and protect your emotional energy. If your upbringing discouraged the expression of anger, perhaps out of fear of confronting your parents, you may find it challenging as an adult to assert yourself when others infringe on your boundaries. 

To maintain these boundaries effectively, it is crucial to embrace healthy anger. People who suppress their anger over time often transform it into fear, making it difficult to assert themselves when their boundaries are crossed, rendering them perpetual victims.

So, for highly sensitive individuals, here are some suggestions:

1. Healthy Expression of Anger: Allow your anger to flow naturally and use appropriate language to communicate your boundaries to those around you.
2. Objective Observation: In relationships, you should be vigilant in identifying instances where your boundaries have been crossed and commit to acknowledging your feelings instead of suppressing them.
3. Taking Proactive Steps: Instead of perpetually positioning yourselves as "victims," ask yourself what actions you can take to make yourselves comfortable in challenging situations and contribute positively to the relationship.

A personal story

Much like a workout routine or your gym routine, the process of establishing and maintaining emotional boundaries requires ongoing practice and effective communication. It's important to note that growth in this area is achievable and can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life. 

Like me, a friend of mine (whom I will refer to as 'a friend' for context) often found herself making concessions in all her relationships, leading others to repeatedly push her boundaries. During our conversations, we discussed this matter deeply, and I encouraged her to communicate her own boundaries, express her anger appropriately, and listen to the voice of her needs. After committing to these actions, she shared that she felt significantly more at ease. What was most remarkable was her recognition of the need to continue practising these behaviours to enhance her communication skills in relationships. 

Thus, I firmly believe that every individual and every highly sensitive person deserves to be treated with kindness, so let's begin by establishing and maintaining our boundaries.

Further information & reading

The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Survive and Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron 

Sensitive: The Power of a Thoughtful Mind in an Overwhelming World by Jenn Granneman & Andre Solo 

https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/ 

https://highlysensitiveperson.net/ 

 

Hsin-Yi Shih, Assistant Lecturer at Arden University, specialises in educational, developmental and social psychology. Her background in psychology offers insights into help-seeking in diverse settings. 

Email: [email protected]  X / Twitter: @KIM_HY_SHIH