The complexities of allyship: Tackling the inner struggle

Have you ever observed a woman being spoken over by a man, or noticed the only woman sitting at the table hasn't really shared her views?  Maybe women in the meetings you attend are more likely to be asked to take notes or get everyone a coffee?  Have you been in conversation with someone who has referred to a woman colleague as aggressive rather than assertive, calculated rather than strategic, or bossy rather than decisive?  If you identify as a woman, maybe it's happened to you?

These subtle acts of exclusion happen all the time in the workplace.  Sometimes, they are not so subtle at all and we might witness unambiguous acts of exclusion or sexist behaviour.  A female leader shared a personal story with me recently: she had been running a few minutes late for a meeting and, when she entered the room, she realised there wasn't a seat for her. Her colleagues (all men) just looked at her, curious about what she would do. Then the most senior person in the room said, 'Go grab yourself a chair, or you can sit on my lap if you like'.  I was shocked at this inappropriate comment but she told me none of the other men in the room said anything. Why?

Psychology can tell us a lot about why calling out exclusionary behaviour is sometimes difficult due to the complexity of situations and multiple dynamics at play. I have these simplified into three categories:

• Self – There is likely a stream of internal dialogue that fills your mind when you witness exclusionary behaviour (whether subtle or otherwise).  Did that just happen?  Did they mean what I thought they meant?  Should I say something?  What should I say?  What if I say the wrong thing?
• Context – There are multiple factors that influence whether you say something.  Firstly, your relationship with the individual who has enacted the act of exclusion – how well do you know them?  How trusted is this relationship?  How important is the relationship to your job and career?  Secondly, what are the power dynamics in the room?  Is this person more senior to you?  Thirdly, how many other people are present and how might they react to your intervention?
• The wider system – Have you seen exclusionary behaviour being called out in other places in the organisation?  How was this received?  Are senior leaders open to talking about diversity, equity and inclusion and do they role model inclusive behaviours?  Do you see a commitment to inclusion across the organisation and at all levels?

It's no wonder, by the time you've processed all of that, the moment has passed and you decide it's best to let it lie.  Underpinning this behaviour is fear and a huge amount of discomfort.

As occupational and organisational psychologists, it's vital to recognise what is going on under the surface.  When we set expectations of leaders to demonstrate and advocate for inclusion, it isn't enough to simply offer them tools and a run-down of the key skills required.  This is important, but what will make the real difference is if they embark on a more challenging journey of deep, inner self-reflection and learning. 

We can support them through this process via one-to-one inclusion coaching and/or bringing them together for a programme of inclusive leadership development where they have an opportunity to reflect and be curious together as well as create collective accountability for leading beyond discomfort.

For some, who pride themselves on the strength of their leadership (which has been validated through their rise through the ranks), it can be uncomfortable to let go of their desire to be competent and right, and open themselves up to potential mistakes.

In my book, Beyond Discomfort, I share two key factors to demonstrating true allyship – firstly, leaders' receptiveness to learning about themselves and other people's truths and, secondly, their willingness to act equitably and inclusively by allowing themselves to be guided by what others tell them, even if it isn't tangible or completely clear.

The self-work is far from easy and so, as psychologists, our role is to notice where their inner struggle is, ask questions, delve more deeply into what prevents them from being an active ally (often stemming from their deep values and beliefs), and invite reflection and self-understanding. 

Read about how psychologists are helping to break down barriers to progress for women in engineering in another piece celebrating International Women's Day.