How to speak to children about trauma and tragedy, Psychologists offer expert advice

Following the tragic events in Southport, expert psychologists from the British Psychological Society have offered advice for parents on how to speak to, and support their children through, distressing events. 

Dr Sarah Parry, a member of the British Psychological Society's Faculty for Children, Young People and their Families, says:

"Many children will be distressed by what they have seen and heard about the tragic attack in Southport. Each child can respond differently, and it can often be difficult for parents and caregivers to know how to offer support. 

"There are, however, ways that conversations can be approached, which can help children begin to express how an event has made them feel and encourage a sense of safety and security in their family environment. Listening and providing space and comfort can go a long way."

Professor Vivian Hill, of the BPS's Division of Educational and Child Psychology, adds:

"The Southport attack has had a huge emotional impact across the nation, felt by everyone but most particularly by parents and children. In the aftermath many parents face the difficult task of trying to explain to their children what happened, while also managing their own distress and the prospect of leaving their children at summer activity groups.

"Our children are constantly exposed to traumatic news stories and social media analysis of these events, either directly or indirectly, through friends, and it is almost impossible to shield them from absorbing things they read, see and hear. It's completely natural for them to be picking up on this situation and feeling anxious and also asking questions about what has happened.  

"It is important that we don't avoid talking to our children about these events, but you might want to try to moderate their exposure to social media and the constant rolling news and updates." 

Dr Parry and Professor Hill have also provided some advice for parents and carers on how to support children through difficult times.

Encourage Questions 

Instead of trying to shield children from the news completely, focus on giving them balanced information in bitesize pieces. Shielding often isn't practical in today's information age and a young person's imagination can often vividly fill in any gaps in knowledge. 

Ask open questions to understand what they know and how they feel. Questions like, "How are you feeling about what you saw?" or "What have your friends said about what happened?" can help open the channels of communication. You can then respond to their needs, rather than introducing our own words and feelings and signalling to them that they should be worried, anxious or upset.

Listen to their worries and provide honest answers to their questions about what is going on, don't overcomplicate your responses and try to give details at an age-appropriate level.  Don't avoid answering their questions about the situation as this could promote more anxiety, but keep to basic facts. 

Highlight the heroes 

Show children the helpers in these situations, highlighting important qualities such as kindness and bravery to promote hopefulness. Emphasize that real-life heroes, like paramedics and kind strangers, don't wear capes. This reframes the story and can promote a sense of trust and safety.  

Use drawings, storybooks, music or toys to express feelings 

Encourage children to express their feelings through creativity and play if this is a more comfortable means of communication.  This approach can help children articulate their emotions and needs, as well as connect with others. 

Children may need both physical and verbal reassurance in order to regulate their emotions. Opportunities to voice their worries and upset will allow them to process their own thoughts and emotions, and parents can play an important role in providing physical comfort, through a hug, and talk with them to provide reassurance.

Self-care

Try to deal with your own feelings of stress and distress so that it is managed as your children will be sensitive to your reactions. Have the conversation when you feel ready and able to, or ask another trusted adult to talk with them.

Simplify language and offer 'exits' to worrying cycles of thoughts and feelings  

Use simple, clear language to describe events. Avoid words like "horrific" or "terrible," which may not mean much to younger children. Instead, use words like sad, scary, brave, or kind. If appropriate, you can also offer reassurance as to how unusual it is for younger children to be in danger from strangers.

It's also important to select the right time to talk. This is likely to be a difficult conversation so pick a quiet time together where you both have time to reflect and ask or answer questions without interruption.

Make it age and developmentally appropriate 

Young children may need to know that they are safe, whereas adolescents may need support to understand and process the situation.

Parents are the experts about their children 

Each child will react differently, you know your child and can match the way you hold this conversation, and the level of detail you include to their age and personal style, some children will be distressed and anxious others will quickly move on. Children who have experienced a recent loss may be more sensitive to this situation.

Explain to your children that bad things can happen in the world but there is always some way to respond positively 

Plan together how you might respond to this situation through fundraising or other actions to support the community.

Avoid exposure to a constant stream of news 

Be mindful of whether you have the radio or TV on all day, as children will be absorbing news without us realising it. Try to build in 'breaks' from the news, for example, if you are driving your children somewhere, turn off the radio or make sure it isn't on a news station to provide a break from the constant exposure to worrying rolling news cycles. 

Watch where they are getting their news 

We know that fake news is an issue, particularly on social media sites so be mindful of what your children are absorbing and where they are getting it. Ensure they understand that not everything they see on social media sites is true, and they know what reliable sources of news they can access.  BBC Newsround provides age-appropriate content.

Seek advice and support if you are concerned about your child 

Community based mental health services and educational psychologists can offer specific advice and support if you feel that your child is becoming overly anxious and distressed. Providing support and reassurance and diverting their thoughts through engagement in pleasurable activities can help.

Offer more than words 

Ensure children feel supported and safe. It's important to help them understand the level of threat to them, their friends and family. Explain this is an extremely rare event and most unlikely to affect their safety.

Above all, reassure children they are safe and loved - a hug can significantly help, especially if you can't find the words you are looking for in the moment. Loving environments at home and positive friendships are crucial for children's emotional well-being, especially during times of stress.